Sunday, June 24, 2007

Video Game Review: The old website's greatest hits.

Anyone who's spent time around geeks quickly grows used to dealing with hyperbole. Rarely will a gamer describe a video game as being average. If they like it it's not good, it's TOTALLY AWESOME and likewise if they don't like it it's not bad, it's COMPLETE CRAP.

The point is geeks can be very critical when it comes to their hobbies and this leads to a whole lot of best/worst games ever, a designation which is usually undeserved. Unlimited SaGa is not such a game. It is truly one of the worst games of all time.

Unfortunately, I can't really provide an accurate review of a whole lot of this game. The reason for this is because I've only played this game for about 5 minutes, 4 minutes of which was taken up by me trying to figure out how to get the game to fucking work.

Like most SaGa games you start by selecting from between several main characters. Once that's done you go right into the gameplay! Sorta. You see, you can't actually move around in this game. You start on a map and you see talking heads of the characters for the story. Then you select an area to go to on the map...and then you select another area to go to! At that point you may or may not have another conversation, then you select another area!

When you finally do get into a battle you line up as usual...and then the true fucked up nature of this game is revealed. You see, the creators of this game wisely decided to take out all the tedium of actually trying to play the game. When you fight, all of the commands -attack, defend, special attack, etc- are placed on a wheel which spins at high speeds. All you have to do is press a button to watch the wheel slowly grind to a halt. This is good because it means you feel no responsibility for failing and watching all of your characters die.

The true question is, why do we even have this game? It's bad enough that this game was made, but what made them think we would want to play it? For years the Japanese had 3 more Final Fantasy games then we did, and they still have about 6 more Fire Emblems, 7 more Dragon Warriors, 3 more SaGas, and 2 more Earthbounds then we do. And those are popular games that people love, as evidenced by the massive number of Americans who import those games, even though it means trying to play in a language they don't speak.

So why, if Japan keeps the GOOD games, do they send us this bullshit? The obvious answer is that they hate us. For more evidence see every game Capcom has ever made. The only reason we haven't nuked Japan off the face of the Earth yet is because they're still our only source of anime and Hello Kitty vibrators.

The least the Japanese can do is show a little gratitude. I mean, we put a lot of money into rebuilding their economy after World War II, and all they ever had to put up with was the humiliation of their people and the destruction of all of their customs and a way of life they held dear for centuries. Oh, and also several million deaths and a lasting taint of radiation poisoning. All I'm asking is that we, the people of America, be hailed as great liberators. Come on, Japan, can't you be more like Afghanistan?

Annotation from The Future:

I wasn't kidding about how long I played this game. I literally only played for about five minutes or so. I didn't even get my character out of the first town before I stopped playing. I know that as a reviewer that's probably not a good thing for me to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway just because I love the fact that even though I barely played it, people who did play the game still tell me I'm absolutely right about it. This game really sucks is what I'm saying.

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