It's the fourth of July! That wonderful day when we prove once again that America does not deserve to be free from Britain. Come on, people. How pussy of a country are we when we celebrate our nation's independance with a tiny black rock that when you light it it grows a little bit? And don't try to tell me it's symbolic. It's still lame. And oh, sure, there's the big, city-sponsored fireworks. Fireworks which are launched in a cordoned off area 500 yards from anything and chaperoned by a dozen trucks worth of firemen and if the tiniest cinder lands within 50 feet of a human being they close down the whole show and treat the person for severe psychological trauma.
What happened? When I was a kid I remember launching off bottle rockets every night for a week when July came around. One time me and my brother lit an M80 and stuck it in a hole we thought was our street's gas line. Because we were perfectly willing to annihilate our entire city in the name of democracy. Nowadays only shitty spark fountains are legal in my state. And they've added insult to injury by inventing something called the "Rocket Fountain." It looks like a bottle rocket and even says "Rocket" right on the side but it turns out it's just a fountain on a stick. Only a few states still allow good fireworks and those are trying harder and harder to pass laws banning them.
I call for a nationwide boycott of the Fourth of July. Employers, don't give your employees the day off anymore. Everyone, don't buy fireworks. Don't watch fireworks. Take what you have of this day after getting off work to write your congressman and tell him how much his pussy laws suck. Everyone in America should boycott this pussy ass holiday until it starts being badass again.
Annotation from The Future:
Whenever I start to think that this world can't possibly disappoint me any more than it already does, someone comes along and lowers the bar. Just like critics of American Idol never foresaw Jersey Shore or The Hills, so too did I never foresee some of the terrible "fireworks" they've got now.
Allow me to introduce you all to...the California Candle! Just as the Rocket Fountain dashed all of our hopes and dreams by making what looked like a kickass bottle rocket into a pathetic fountain, so too does the California Candle get our hopes up with what looks like a Roman Candle, but is actually a glorified sparkler.
As for the name, I sincerely hope that the satirical implications were intentional, because it's funny as Hell.