Monday, July 16, 2007

Soap Review: Soap, the newest cult phenom. I wish I was joking.

I've been visiting with my mom and her new husband and I went down to take a shower. I decided to take a look for the first time at the bottle of shower gel they have in there and low and behold I found the latest cult sensation, and I don't mean cult as in pop culture.

That's right, folks, I'm here to tell you about the new, the improved, the amazing, non-animal-tested, Oregon Tilth certified organic*, 18-in-1 Hemp PEPPERMINT PURE-CASTILE SOAP from Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps. Also, the number 1 ingredient is listed as water so so much for purity, jackasses.

*Fun fact. The FDA has never released an official classification for organic or natural products, so this means about as much as if they'd said "Wom-bom-booie space god love you long time!"

But wait, there's more! The entire bottle is covered with inspirational/creepy (select one) quotes from...someone unattributed. Here's an example from the usage instructions.

"Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner's 'Magic Soap' to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting One! All-One! Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! For facial packs, scalp & soothing body rub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face and scalp. Massage with fingertips. Repeat 3 or 4 times 'til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again. Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water & soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we're ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!

It's clearly written by people who don't speak english, but more importantly it's clearly written by lunatics. Here's another quote.

Einstein, 1939, after Nazis & Commies united, proposed spacebombs that destroy all, unless we finally teach the Moral ABC's the real Rabbi Hillel taught Jesus to unite all in All-One-God-Faith. As teachastronomers Abraham-Israel-Moses-Buddha-Hillel-Jesus-Spinoza-Paine-Sagan & Mohammed, inspired every 75 years 6000 years by the Messenger of God's Law, Halley's Comet: "WE ARE ALL ONE OR NONE!" "THERE IS NO GOD BUT GOD!" "TEACH LOVE THY ENEMY!" "LISTEN CHILDREN ETERNAL FATHER ETERNALLY ONE!" Israel-Moses-Buddha-Jesus-Mohammed: ONE! ALL-ONE!

Now, I'm too lazy to check if their thing about Einstein is factually accurate. What concerns me more is the fact that all nutcases are apparently legally obligated to speak only in bad refrigerator poetry. It must be the fault of the One World Earpiece Control Frankenstein Communist Computer God.

Lateron we come across a sticker that promises "FOR ALL MAJOR INGREDIENTS WE ARE GOING FAIR TRADE". It might sound oddly noble of what is apparently the last survivor of Heaven's Gate to have "95+% of Our Agricultural Volume Benefiting Farming Families and Communities in the Developing World" until you remember that what this actually means is "we're outsourcing your jobs to ten year olds in Indonesia who we chain to a bench for twelve hours a day where they can choke on the toxic fumes of our soaps, and if they survive we give them a quarter.

Fortunately none of it matters. As we all know, Dr. Bronner will be banished from Heaven for using magic in his Magic Soaps, to stand outside the gates with the dogs and sorcerors. It's all in Revelation, look it up some time.

Also, despite its magical properties and creepy cult message, Dr. Bronner's soap is still to be kept out of eyes, and if the cap becomes clogged you should poke it clear only and not squeeze. If you manage to get the miracle of All-One-God-Faith in your eyes, you should flush them well with water for fifteen minutes and and consult a physician if irritation persists.

All in good fun, Doctor. I'd like to just end this still mean, but I can't, and not just out of a respect for the dead and a fear of being sued by his family and/or melted by their creepy cult magic. But also because, while he (or whoever wrote this bottle) is clearly insane I do agree with the basic message that we as a race need to stop fighting each other and unify. That said, could someone tell me what a teachastronomer is?

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