Saturday, July 21, 2007

Television Review: Who Wants to Humilate Themselves on National TV?

It's just a week or so from the beginning of the second season of Who Wants To Be A Superhero, so I thought I'd give my thoughts on this year's picks.

The Defuser
He has darkvision 60' and light blindness. He's an albino drow. Read that bit about how he loves non-lethal weaponry and refuses to use firearms. Clearly he took Stan Lee's denouncement of Iron Enforcer a little too seriously.

Ms. Limelight
The bastard daughter of Cell Phone Girl and Feedback. She has all of the best abilities of all of Hollywood's action stars, which basically means she can do anything as long as it's A. required by the plot and B. badass and preferably followed by a snappy one-liner. Her weakness is that she has weak legs. As the show's website says "If someone tells her to "break a leg," it really breaks!" So in other words, she's exactly as powerful as any normal movie star but with a horribly debilitating, easily discovered weakness? Lame.

Dear Hyper-Strike: you're auditioning for Stan Lee, not Akira Toriyama. Cut down on the anime stuff. Not that I don't like anime, but there's a time and a place for everything. Including cannibalism.

His weakness is that he needs nine hours of sleep every night, which is one hour more than what normal people need. That's barely an annoyance.

Her weakness is that she loses all her powers if the temperature goes below 65 degrees. Maybe no one ever told her this, but the average temperature in about eighty percent of the planet is at or below 65 degrees. Unless she fights crime exclusively in Death Valley she's pretty much fucked.

He's a hero from the future who is impervious to modern weapons and has telekinesis, but his body is weak, fat, and susceptible to disease. I kinda like this, because it's actually probably fairly close to what humans will be like thousands of years from now: mentally evolved but weak and fat from never doing anything for ourselves and just using our mind powers to get ourselves cheeseburgers. Does that mean he'd make a good superhero? No. Superheroes aren't supposed to be realistic. That's why they're super.


God, if you exist, let me get through this without busting a vein. She's aided by and can communicate with bugs and her special power is...turning trash into treasure. So basically her power is that she's homeless. Also, she's hindered by the fact that she loses things and her bugs like to fuck. And her palms sweat. First Hyper-Strike and now Basura? Jesus, people.

Mr. Mitzvah
God, if you exist, why do you let people mock you so? This guy's similar to the gay guy from last year, except he's jewish. The major difference is he's "because" instead of "and." Let me explain. See, the gay guy was a superhero AND he was gay, thus providing a positive model to show gays can be cool. This guy is a superhero BECAUSE he's jewish. Being jewish is his only character trait, thus making him exactly like all the other annoying jewish stereotypes in movies you've come to hate over the years.

Her hair does stuff and if it gets cut off she loses her powers. But Millia Rage is cooler and Samson had better super powers. That's two heroes who already have this gimmick and did it way better and I could probably come up with more. The fact that her nemesis comes from a galaxy called "Damn Nation" is slightly funny though, and is just punny enough to be really comic-book-ish, though it's not PG enough.

He's like...a guy...who has an Atlantean armband...that uses magical rocks to give him powers. This is really painful folks. Is it just me or do all of this year's picks seem way dumber than last year? Also, doesn't Wonder Woman already have a similar superpower and do it way better?

She's this season's Fat Momma, I think. She cleans stuff. And she has a magical pearl necklace...and her clean bombs knock people out...and.... AUGkj;jllllllllllllllllllll

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