Saturday, July 28, 2007

Top 5 List: Top 5 Catchphrases That Need To Die.

5. "The problems of the future, today!"
I have to state the obvious, of course, that the phrase this comes from, "the innovations of the future, today" is nonsense. If it's here today then it's the innovation of today. That just makes this phrase worse. I'll admit that the first time I heard this I thought it was kinda clever. The problem? According to Google, so did 15,800 other people. It's not funny anymore, guys. You killed it. To death.

4. "It's over NINE THOUSAAAAND!"
Yes, I think Dragonball is retarded too. No, that doesn't make it awesome. This was funny to make fun of for a while. But then those bastards that I call "people" came along. First there were the 500 different cuts on YouTube. Then there were the music videos. Then the montages. Then the parodies. Then the parodies of the parodies. Then the parodies of the parodies of the parodies. File this one with "All Your Base" and anything ever said in a Monty Python movie ever. They'll all be Exhibit A in the Case of Hell Really is Other People.

3. "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!"
File this one with "Aeris dies," because it goes for that phrase too and all phrases like it. It started out as a spoiler shouted out to piss off hardcore fans, long after the point when hardcore fans could concievably not know about it. Then people started using it as a catchphrase. Why? God only knows. Or the devil, since he's most likely the one behind it. I don't think anyone ever thought it was really cool or funny or even that irritating, honestly. It's just kinda dumb.

2. "Worst. _____. EVER!"
We get it! You watch the Simpsons and you think something sucks! SHUTUP!

1. "You know what happens to a ___ that gets hit by ___? Same as everything else!"
The first time I heard this was in the X-Men movie and I had to think about it for about five minutes before I got what they were trying to say. That's how lame this phrase is. It's so lame, it made me feel like I did something wrong. After I figured it out I spent the next five minutes trying to figure out what imbecile thought this phrase was awesome. It was bad enough when it was just one line in a stupid movie. But then I saw it in Bob and George. And then I saw it in an RPG. And then I saw one of my "friends" quoting it out of context. And that's when I killed him, your honor.

On a side note, in the movie Storm says this when she blows up the Toad with a lightning bolt. But don't the X-Men have a code against killing? I'm pretty sure they do. And I'm pretty sure blasting someone with lightning and blowing them off the top of a skyscraper-sized statue is lethal, frog powers or no.



Annotation From The Future:

The true stupidity of number 1 really comes out if you know the backstory behind it. It turns out in the original script for X-Men the joke in question was actually built up throughout the movie. The character of The Toad would constantly brag about how amazing toads were and how his powers made him superior to everyone else. He would jump across a room and shout "A toad can LEAP!" In that context Storm's zinger made sense: a toad might be an impressive animal but in the end they react to lightning bolts the same way everything else does. It's not particularly humorous, but it does make sense nonetheless.

Somewhere along the way Toad's constant bragging about how cool toads are got cut (most likely because it would have been @#%$ing obnoxious), but the punchline that his bragging was setting up got left in. Without that added context the result is a nonsensical line that makes Storm sound like a gibbering moron.

Allow me to put it another way: when you get off of your plane, walk into the propellers! Hahahaha! Who needs setup with a punchline like that?

(If you're curious, the setup was "How do you prevent the casinos in Las Vegas from taking all your money?")

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