Monday, December 24, 2007

Top 5 List: The Most Badass Video Game Characters

Okay, Sedalb, listen up. It's time for school to start. Here are the top 5 most badass video game characters.

5. Kratos; God of War Series
Kratos is one bad mamma jamma. But, like Devil May Cry's Dante, the game's designers simply try too hard. Don't get me wrong, I think he's awesome. He would've scored number one if it weren't so damn difficult to take him seriously. Besides, fanboys, at least he made the list. There's got to be thousands of video game characters out there; to make the top 5 is still a huge honor.

4. Caim; Drakengard Series
"Furiae! Oh, Furiae!" Going mute was the best thing that could happen to this guy. But once he does he becomes awesome. At the very least he manages not to wet himself as the universe quite literally falls apart around him. Between giant severed heads raining from the sky, little girls that speak in baritone, and horrors too terrible to describe, he keeps his stoic calm. The only thing stopping him from getting higher on the list is the memories of his whiny ass crying out for his girlfriend in the first level.

3. Maria Renard; Castlevania Series
Maria Renard is the cutest little summoner you ever will see, wether she's tossing kittens at the enemy or hiding under a giant turtle shell. But then she burns off 50 hearts to summon a screen-wiping dragon god that kills even bosses nearly instantly. She makes the list mostly for being tougher than Richter Belmont despite being half his age. She keeps her cute charm after growing up in Symphony of the Night and adds some sex appeal to the mix.

2. Slayer; Guilty Gear Series
This one's for all those people who liked vampires before they heard of Anne Rice. Slayer is proof that vampires don't have to be brooding emo kids. They can also be super badass. Slayer is suave and laid back, but brutal in combat, just the way a vampire should be. Wether winning or losing he manages to still look cool and for that he gets a spot in the Top 5 Most Badass.

1. Iron Ox/Honda Tadakatsu; Devil Kings Series
Known as one of the most fearsome warriors in feudal Japan, Honda Tadakatsu was a loyal servant of the otherwise unlikable Tokugawa Ieyasu. In video game land, he's been a tough-as-nails boss and kicked Lu Bu's ass (several times!) in Orochi Warriors. But the incarnation that earns him Most Badass is that in Devil Kings/Sengoku Basara. Iron Ox laughs at Hard Mode; he takes next to no damage from enemies, kills even bosses in no time, and has a special attack that has to be seen to be believed. He's so badass even getting ordered around by a midget can't harsh his cool. That's why he's number 1.

Annotation From The Future:

With regards to number 2, you remember back when Anne Rice was still the worst thing to ever happen to vampires? The lamest vampire to ever un-live was Lestate, not Ed Cullen, and the words "sparkle" and "vampire" were almost never seen in the same sentence.

I've mentioned this before, but it is always astounding just how low the bar can be set. I still remember how people used to mock American Idol, truly believing that it was the lowest American pop-culture could ever get. Then shows like Jersery Shore and Flavor of Love came out and it was like their entire worldview was shattered into pieces. If American Idol was absolute crap, then what is The Hills? How do you even define it on that scale?

Similarly, before Twilight came out we all honestly believed that Rice's brooding emo vampires, crying about how they don't want to drink blood, were the absolute bottom of the barrel. Now we all look back on it as a time when vampires were actually more dignified, more cool.

It makes me wonder and kind of worry, what horrible place could vampires reach in the future, where people will look back and say with 100% sincerity "man, I seriously miss those stupid, sparkly leech people from Twilight."

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