Saturday, December 1, 2007

Top 5 List: Top 5 Ways to Survive a Fiction Story

So you're a fictional character who's finally gotten a story of your own. Great! But studies have shown that many fictional characters who appear in stories end up dieing. But now you don't have to! Just follow this simple advice.

5. Don't be sweet, cute, or funny.
The best way to make the audience hate the villain is to have the villain murder the sweet, innocent cutie. Meanwhile, the jerk everyone hates lives forever. Don't be likable or you will die tragically.

4. Don't burn bridges with the hero.
If you absolutely positively HAVE to betray the hero, don't be a douche. If the phrase "I always hated you" even comes into your brain you'd might as well save us all time and just kill yourself.

3. Don't set up a situation where your death would be ironic.
There was some really crappy movie which name I can't be bothered to remember where one of the characters once said "don't say you'll be right back or you won't." Or something along those lines. Point is, if you ever set up a situation where your death would be an ironic coincidence you will die.

2. Don't be expendable or important.
Above all else, make certain that the enemy knows you're important. If you seem like a random mook you will be killed and no one will care. Just the same, make sure the enemy knows you're expendable. If they think you're important they'll kill you. It's a little arbitrary and totally impossible but there you go.

1. Sleep with the writer.
No fatties.

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