Saturday, March 8, 2008

Special Review: MSN's Wedding Advice Sucks

Ever since MSN became my homepage (I think it happened when I installed a toolbar or something and I don't care enough to change it.) I've enjoyed reading their columnist Miles Stiverson's occasional wedding advice columns. It's not because I intend to get married, I don't. It's more because I enjoy the insane Bridezilla ravings that are attached to them. It seems for every good piece of advice (like their advice in Worst Wedding Advice Ever where they suggest that it's horribly offensive to tell a bride-to-be to save her money and buy a house because she'll just get divorced anyway) there's two more suggestions that suck. Here's some highlights.

How dare you ask me about transportation and lodging after I invite you to my wedding?!
From the 10 Biggest Mistakes Wedding Guests make, Miles rants about the audacity of those who dare to ask how exactly you intend to get them acoss country for your big event, going so far as to say they're "treating you like their personal concierge." Sure, he does go on to say the best way to deal with it is to just give them the damned information, but asking someone to do something for you then calling them out when they requests details as to how they can do what you want kind of makes you a dick.

I demand free stuff! NOW!!!
It's in a lot of them, but most notably Couples Speak Out: Worst Wedding Gifts Ever. Some of their examples are awesomely bad: an empty gift card, a regifted tray with the original card still included, a framed invitation to the gifter's wedding which had occured several months prior, and a book entitled "Why Men Love Bitches" for instance. But when you're bitching because someone gave you a George Foreman grill or a ceramic statue maybe it's time to stop being such a cunt. Some of us aren't Mr. Moneybags and maybe you should just be happy you're getting anything at all.

The first thing you should do is cut guests!
Are you kidding me? Come on, people. This is quite possibly the worst advice EVER. But it's not just Stiverson, or even just MSN. I've heard this advice in lots of places as a wonderful way to cut costs and generally fix anything that could ever be wrong. In the real world this destroys friendships, costs people jobs, and breaks up marriages before they even begin. I hate to sound like the very people I'm mocking, but you have to realize that when you say "Sorry, we're uninviting you because we don't have room at the reception" what they hear is "and we decided that having you there was less important than having Aunt Tina, Aunt Tina's Drunken Boyfriend number 3, and her five screaming bastard younguns, none of whom we've spoken to in three years for good reason." There's no way to uninvite a wedding guest that WON'T just translate to "I hate you and everything you stand for" in their mind, so don't do it. If you don't have the foresight to only invite who you need I guess you'll just have to swallow your medicine with a grain of salt. Either that or accept the fact that you are an unforgivable douche who is going to die alone and will totally deserve it.

Runners Up
Hating on wedding guests who request you make arrangements for food that will suit their diet.

"Adult-only" weddings, and venomous bile spewed at those who dare to commit that unspeakable atrocity known as "having children and not wanting to leave them with a babysitter for a week."

From Wedding Guests: Guests Behaving Badly: "We placed wedding cameras on every table. After we got back from the honeymoon we were looking through the pictures when we came across one of our male guests exposing himself. We were so mortified!" If there is any divine justice this mortification would have been accompanied by the fine lady fainting. Her husband would have lost his tophat and monocle as he exclaimed "My word!" I also sincerely hope the man who took the picture wrote on the back "This is what you're missing."

Spite at an aunt who got the bride's 14 year old brother shitfaced and he, among other things, told all his family members how he really felt about them. If anything this aunt deserves a medal for creating the most awesome wedding story ever.

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