Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Television Review: The Most Awesome PSA Ever

Watch it. The whole thing. I'll wait. Seen it? Now weren't the 50's great?

The message of this video is so laughable that you'd probably never imagine this PSA was made if you hadn't seen it. Hell, the damn thing starts off by saying that hitchhiking is awesome. It's a "good way to get from one place to another." Of course, we know today that hitchhiking is in fact the most dangerous method of transportation, second only to riding inside the mouth of a great white shark that has had Hitler's brain transplanted into it.

But to be fair, this was made in the 50's, back before video games and rap music introduced the world to violence and invented crime. Back when this was made hitchhiking was safe, right? It turns out no. You see, there is a secret evil lurking amongst this otherwise perfect transport system.


That's right. The Homosexual. Just like sith, there are only ever two gays in existance: The Homosexual and The Bicurious. Previous The Homosexuals have included Elton John, Ru Paul, and Richard Simmons. The current The Homosexual? Who knows? It could be anyone! Even....YOU?

It is the hidden nature of The Homosexual that lends added terror to this beast. How do you know when the person you're talking to may be The Homosexual? Well, according to the PSA you can tell because The Homosexual is friendly, just like our good gay friend Ralph from this video.

Okay, so we've identified our The Homosexual, now what will he do to us? In the video we see Ralph pick up a young man named Jimmy, they become friends, they go to Ralph's house, and then Ralph drives away...ALONE.

Wait, what? What did he do to the kid? We're never told*, so I guess they're leaving it up to us to imagine a horrible fate for poor young Jimmy. Maybe Ralph raped him and left him naked in the woods to die from exposure. Maybe he killed him and skinned him to make a suit. Or, even more terrifying, maybe he gave him a ride and dropped him off at his house and nothing weird happened at all, except that now Jimmy has been infected and will become...The Homosexual! (Yes, gays are a lot like vampires too.)

Bonus Points: The fact that the worst thing they can say about gays is that they're nicer than straight people is pretty funny, but they get bonus points mostly for the Boys Beware sign at the beginning of the PSA. Because everyone knows The Homosexual can never be female.

Annotation from The Future:

I eventually discovered the missing last half of the PSA and what happens to Jimmy is both lamer and more hilariously psychotic than anything I could have guessed. As it turns out, Ralph molested Jimmy. That's not the hilarious part. No, the psycho part is after that happens, then the police proceed to arrest Jimmy...for being molested. They eventually drop the charges (which were what, exactly, officers?) and release him into his parents' custody where he is presumably beaten to death for getting too close to...The Homosexual.

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