Thursday, September 10, 2009


It's time for another review and this time it's for the PSP fighting game Dissida: Final Fantasy. First off, let me just say what I liked about the game. The graphics are good, and I found the bravery system interesting. That's about it.

"But wait," you scream, your monocle and top hat sent flying dramatically from your head. "Are you saying you didn't like Dissidia?!"

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Allow me to explain by way of example. When Final Fantasy 3 was first released for the NES the main character was the Onion Knight, who happens to look like this. When they re-released the game recently for the Nintendo DS they gave the main character a name and a new look and made him Luneth. So when they made Dissidia they had Onion Knight represent Final Fantasy 3, and made the alternate costume...Luneth?

He has the hair, yeah, but why stop there, Square-Enix? Luneth has an established look, Square and you know what it is so why not use it? (Answer: Because Luneth is the gayest boy ever.) And it's not like you can't make a new character model for a character's alternate costume. Cloud, Squall, and Sephiroth have new character models.

But this is just symptomatic of the larger problem that Dissidia has. When I said Cloud, Squall, and Sephiroth have new models for their alternate looks I meant that Cloud, Squall, and Sephiroth are the only ones. Warrior of Light's alternate costume is colored red instead of blue. Cecil's alternate costume has red trim. Exdeath's alternate costume has the bright blue color on his armor set two points lighter. There are even rumors that they colored Jecht's skirt red in his alternate costume (as opposed to orange) because that was their way of adding Auron to the game. If that's not the saddest damn thing you've heard all day then thank you for reading this review, citizen of Ethiopia.

Look, I'm not so naive that I don't get how it works, okay? I understand Final Fantasy 7 is the money maker. People bought this game for Cloud and Sephiroth, not for anyone else, so it's natural that Square would spend more time on them. But that only works when they actually spend...well, any time on the rest of the game. If the game itelf was good but the FF7 part was better I could forgive that, but that's not what happened. The Final Fantasy 7 parts of the game are passable and the rest is practically non-existant.

Aside from the afore-mentioned bravery system which I won't go into detail on here there's very little to enjoy about this game. There's no real AI in the game, it's a Soul Calibur system where it auto-blocks and you only win because it occasionally decides not to. The fighting style is cool in concept but horrendously executed, mostly because of the poor AI. The storyline (singular because every character's story is the same) was clearly written by a bored stoner. I've already gone over the lack of effort put into character designs.

I guess what I'm saying is fuck you, Square-Enix and while I'm at it fuck you too, Sony. Yeah, this piece of shit game was definitely worth making a commemorative PSP.

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