Tuesday, April 27, 2010

DEALBREAKER: You've Contributed to Dealbreaker

Hey, babe. Sit down, I think we should talk. What's that? Yes, actually, I did check out that website you e-mailed me a link to. Yeah, the one you said you totally loved and...well, that's kind of what I want to talk about.

I really tried to give it a chance, you know? I really thought some of them were damn funny too, like the one about the heterosexual lesbian or the tuxedo t-shirt. Oh, and the one about the 7-11 guy and at the end it switches and becomes a deal maker; that was really clever. Then I kept reading and I realized that about 90% of these things are written by picky assholes who think sex is the only aspect of a relationship and anyone they disagree with is the Anti-Christ.

I'm not sure where I realized it. Maybe it was the one about how the woman hates DJs and then proceeds to make it clear she doesn't actually know what a DJ does and thinks they just play records all day as opposed to mixing which is actually not that easy. I'm thinking, though, that it was the one where the woman says the deal is broken because her guy used to have dreadlocks and even though he now thinks it was stupid she can't see herself with anyone who ever made a decision she dislikes.

You say you loved those? Yeah, I thought so. See, that's what I wanted to talk about. Do you know why I've never introduced you to any of my friends? How about the reason I've never taken you to my house, or why I refuse to listen to my CDs when you're in the car? You're a diva. No one and no thing is ever good enough for you.

Everyone makes mistakes. Your mistake was thinking you're better than everyone else when you're really kind of an ignorant jackass. My mistake was thinking this could ever work out. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find someone who's slightly less of a cunt.

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