Monday, May 23, 2011

Not a Video Game Review: I Review a Review of Terraria

For those of you who don't know yet, a 2D Minecraft-style game called Terraria was released last Wednesday. If you're into that go get it, it's only 10 bucks. If you're not into that then go play Brink or something. Oh wait, that doesn't exist. Sorry.

Anyway, shortly after the game's release a group called The Best Gamers posted a video review of the first five minutes of the game. The makers of Terraria saw it and had Youtube take it down under the pretense of "copyright infringement." (Reviewing a video game is not copyright infringement, Youtube are just pussies.)

Before you ask, yes, the review is bullshit. There are more enemies in the game then slimes, the worlds are randomly generated so level design is not even a thing, and shut the Hell up already. But it doesn't even matter. All of that is something ten seconds of light googling would disprove. Don't try it, though. I'm pretty sure if you type "is there more than one enemy in Terraria?" into Google it calls you a dumbass and formats your hard drive. Google's a dick.

The question that crossed my mind is, are these people stupid and missing the point of the game, or are they trying to be ironic?

One of the things they bring up a lot in the review is level design. for those who haven't played Terraria, the second thing the game asks you to do after making your character is to make a world to explore. It then randomly generates a world, while telling you that it's randomly generating a world. There are no levels in Terraria. Honestly, the reviewer has to know this. Hell, he reviewed Minecraft and started out this review by saying Terraria is basically the same as Minecraft. He must be aware that sandbox games exist, yet he keeps bringing up level design, apparently under the pretense that Terraria is a 2D platformer and all 2D platformers have levels just like Mario.

He then forgets what NPCs are and rants about how an "enemy" (pretty clearly an NPC) is bugged and can't be hurt by his weapon. ...how many video games have these people reviewed again?

So yeah, no one can be that stupid.

But there's more to it than that. The fact that they used editing software to dub in retarded sound effects purely to make the game look bad (Including the screamer moment at 5:20 in that video, which is not even remotely in the game. Probably should've warned you about that screamer earlier, by the way, but I'm an asshole.) tells me they knew exactly what they were doing. The constant, douchechill-inspiring repetition of "scrub" and "nerd," the fact that one of their biggest issues with the game is that it's in 2D, and the fact that they seem to review mostly indie games for the sole purpose of talking about how much they hate indie games, all tells me that they probably don't know what irony is and would call you a fag for thinking they did.

Surprisingly, the verdict isn't that they're just douchebags. The verdict is I don't care. A closer look at their site, including their forums and the people there, implies that they might be joking, but if they are then holy crap they suck at joking. On the other hand if they're trying to be serious then they suck at that too.

I love Stephen Colbert and his work, but god damn it all if he didn't open the floodgates for every moron who thinks he's funnier than he is to try and be an ironic character just like him. At least Colbert had the sense to parody a group that actually exists. Who are The Best Gamers parodying, if they are a parody? No one. The only people who act like that are fat slobs mic-spamming on XBox Live. They don't do anything, they don't matter, and spending time and money on making parodies of them has about as much point as spending money to produce parodies of your alcoholic neighbor Bob.

I think the worst thing about this review though isn't even the review itself, it's the response it got when it was taken off Youtube. Immediately legions of retards who'd never even heard of Terraria or The Best Gamers before flocked to the cause, posting 1-star reviews of Terraria all over the internet that just repeat the same points made in the video, thinking they were fighting for free speech.

Listen, guys. You're not championing the cause of a brave gamer who dared to call a shitty game shitty and was punished for it. You're championing the cause of a malicious douchebag who tried and failed to be ironic and got his review taken down because it was slander. So yeah, congrats on that. How does it feel to be a drain on society?

3 comments:

Jonathan White said...

You realize those reviews are jokes, right?

Mike M. said...

Jokes are supposed to be funny. Telling lies with the intent of destroying a decent game isn't funny. It's slander, and it always will be slander, regardless of what the intention was.

If they were trying to be assholes they succeeded. If they were trying to be ironic and hilarious they failed miserably.

I'm pretty sure I said all that in the post.

Anonymous said...

Sure he doesn't exactly have the right inflection on his voice but this is a pretty obvious parody, and it is pretty obvious that they are trying to emulate the Angry Video Game Nerd, but with new games.