Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Video Game Review: Brink Doesn't Suck, There Is No Brink

As of right now Brink has a 6.0 on Gamespot, a 6 on IGN, and 2 out of 5 stars on GiantBomb. Personally, I think even that is too much. Not because I think it deserves a lower score, no. See, I don't believe it exists. I'm aware there is something out there that people are calling Brink, but as near as I can tell there isn't a single original concept in the damn thing. Here, let me show you.

Presentation: A Less Stylized Borderlands
Be honest. Raise your hands if, upon seeing the box art for Brink you didn't immediately think of Borderlands? Raise your other hand if you looked at the little icon they made for it and didn't think of this.

Now slap yourself in the face with any hands you may have up.

Just...look at a screenshot.

Gameplay: Team Fortress 2, Mostly
Oh hey, look! Brink has multiple classes each with their own unique abilities. Classes have actually been in quite a few first person shooters, but it's not entirely played out. There's plenty of room to get creative. Let's see what they have here. There's the Medic, who revives fallen comrades. There's the Operative who disguises himself as enemies and hacks computers. There's the Engineer who fixes stuff and places sentry turrets. Lastly, there's the Soldier who wears body armor and specializes in heavy weapons.

So yeah. To be fair, they don't steal everything from Team Fortress 2. They also seem to have taken their AI from Daikatana.

Story: Every Dystopian Future Story Ever
So there was a bad thing that happened and all the people moved to a self-sustaining "safe" city to survive. Said city quickly became an overpopulated, fascist nightmare. There is now a rebel movement that wants to overthrow the city's leaders or at the very least find somewhere else to live.

No, no, I'm not talking about Aeon Flux. Nor am I talking about Praetoria City from the new City of Heroes expansion. I mean, at least those two added awesomely implausible technology and superheroes, respectively.

Honestly, I can't even complain. I mean, if they stole everything else about their game, why would the story be even remotely original?

KR Rating: NON-EXISTANT
Screw the people who made this. It's official. There is no such game as Brink. Sure there's a box with a disc in it with a game on it, but said "game" doesn't have a single original concept anywhere in it, and honestly it's not even like they were trying. Therefore, I'm officially saying there is no game called Brink, only a poorly half-assed mashing together of other peoples' ideas.

You know, critics have sort of a code that they're supposed to follow, where no matter what you say about the product you have to be nice to the people who made it, but in this case I'm saying fuck that. I want the world to know that these assholes are completely creatively bankrupt. I want the entire world to stay away from...wait. Bethesda? And also Splash Damage? What the Hell happened, you guys?!

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