Thursday, January 23, 2014

Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes (Asylum Version)

No, we're not talking about the Robert Downey Jr. movie. We're going to be talking about the OTHER 2009 Sherlock Holmes movie.

Oh yeah, and it's made by The Asylum, who also made Sharknado, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, and Titanic 2. Yeah, this is going to hurt.

So let's say you're a lazy asshole wannabe movie producer who wants to get rich with only a modicum of effort. What do you do? Obviously, you buy one of the countless shitty scripts nobody wants that are floating around Hollywood, have someone go over it and insert elements from a major blockbuster, blow through filming as fast and cheaply as you can, then release your movie under a name just dissimilar enough to the one you're ripping off to avoid litigation and hope to trick confused idiots into watching it.

And no, I'm not calling myself an idiot. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I watched this. So no, not stupid just way too curious for my own good.)

Our movie opens in the year 1940, early on in the Nazis' bombing of England. An aging Watson, on his death bed (well, death chair), tells the random woman with him that this is the second time London has burned. The first, of course, was the Great Fire of London which destroyed much of the city in 1666. Ha! No, I'm just kidding because that would actually be factually accurate.

No, according to Watson the real first time London burned was in 1882, during the most amazing adventure of Sherlock Holmes' career. Watson left the story out of his journals, but now that Holmes is dead and Watson is soon to die as well he can finally tell the story of how a gigantic robot dragon attacked the city and burned it to ashes. Wait, what? How does no one remember this happening? 1882 was only 58 years ago, most of the people who saw it would still be alive! Seriously, how does no one remember this?!

Anyway, what follows is one of the stupidest stories you'll ever hear as Sherlock blunders his way through mysteries so simple they are literally elementary school level, acts like a total asshole to all of his friends, and screams like a baby when given basic first aid, until finally the villain gets bored enough of Holmes' incompetence that he gives up letting the detective figure it out and just reveals himself. Spoiler warning: it's Sherlock's brother. No, not Mycroft. I mean his other brother, Thorpe Holmes. (Don't bother looking him up, he's not in any of the books. You'll find that's something of a theme in this movie.)

Long story short, Thorpe is angry at having been accidentally shot in the back by his former friend, Inspector Lestrade. (Wait, a character who's actually from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's books? This must be some sort of mistake!) Thorpe decides to get revenge against Lestrade in the only logical way: by kidnapping a scientist and forcing that scientist to build an animatronic T-Rex, which will use its working arms and ability to blend in to human society to move unseen through the city (seriously, the thing is like a damn ninja) and steal mechanical components which Thorpe will then use to build a giant animatronic dragon to burn down London, and also an animatronic woman with a bomb inside her who will blow up Buckingham Palace. ...wait. That doesn't make any god damn sense, Thorpe!

Oh, and spoiler warning number 2: Sherlock wins.

KR Rating: [1] Horrible

It's been said before that a truly great mystery movie leaves you with just as many questions as answers. If that's the case then this must be the best mystery movie of all time, because it will leave you with nothing but questions. Questions like:

What was the point of randomly revealing halfway through the movie that Sherlock's real name is Robert Sherlock Holmes? (Also not in the books, don't bother looking.)

Why does the movie make a big deal out of how Sherlock shooting the villain at the end was "the only time he ever used a gun" when anyone who's actually read a Sherlock Holmes story could tell you that Sherlock Holmes used his revolver quite often?

Whatever happened to the tentacled sea monster that was destroying ships at the beginning of the movie? Did the filmmakers just forget about it or something?

For that matter, what happened to the animatronic T-Rex? It never gets destroyed, it just sort of disappears at the same time Thorpe shows up.

Seriously, how does nobody remember a giant black dragon attacking London?

Of course, the easy answer to all of these questions is that the narrator of the story is a senile 87-year old man and that the story is the product of his own delirium. The correct answer, however, is that this movie is stupid.

Bonus Information!

While doing research for this review I discovered two things. First, that I did more research then the filmmakers did, and second that in 2014 The Asylum is going to be making Sharknado 2. I can not frickin' wait.

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