Monday, September 15, 2014

4 More Obnoxious Internet Commenters I Missed

Way back in 2012 I was inspired by a combination of Cracked.com and a handful of trolls at the Agony Booth to write my article 6 More Obnoxious Internet Commenters Cracked Missed. Unfortunately, I quickly realized I had left a few out, and so I was inspired again to create this list, of four more obnoxious internet commenters. Oh, and just as with the last time, you'll likely never be able to get rid of these guys.

4. The Like Button Warrior

You know what's scary? People. They believe in things and they don't like assholes slandering them.

You know what's easy? Hitting the "Like" button on a post that slanders those people for you! It puts the message across, but no one can get mad at you because technically it wasn't you that said it!

Just to be clear, we're not talking about just any person who hits the "Like" button on an insulting comment. No, this is about people who hit the "Like" button on insulting comments, while simultaneously feigning reasonability themselves. The funniest thing about these people is, they honestly believe that they're being sneaky, and that no one will ever figure out their secret motives.

Why you can't get rid of him:
Because what he did was such a pusilanimous gesture of passive aggressive defiance that most moderators can't be bothered to do anything about it. And, you know, it's probably fine. Simply being the coward that he is is already a worse punishment on this guy than anything that anyone else could possibly give.

3. The Sad Sack

You've defeated his arguments with mountains of evidence. And so it is with a sigh of sad reluctance he finally breaks down and admits defeat. Perhaps it's true that you know more about the constitutionality of the capital gains tax than he does. It's no surprise. After all, he's nothing but a poor starving little boy from Ethiopia, with five types of brain cancer caused by all the abuse he receives from his evil stepmother. The doctors have given him only five weeks to live, but he still loves his family and his life so much more than a person like you could ever understand. So congratulations. You win. Monster.

There's just one thing his miserable life story left out: even if it's true (It's not.) how exactly is it relevant at all to what you were discussing? (It's not.)

Why you can't get rid of him:
Because what sort of wretched person would want to punish a poor nine year old boy with only a head and a burlap sack filled with leaves for a body?

Okay, no. Actually, it's because as with the like button warrior, above, this one is so pathetic that it's not worth bothering with. If you think about it, that's probably the best course anyway. Acknowledging his claims only serves to give them validity. The best way to combat this one is to just ignore it completely.

2. The Parrot

Everything this guy needs to know about debating he learned in Kindergarten.

"Oh yeah? Well everything you need to know about sucking you learned in your mom! HAH!"

When challenged the parrot reaches back to his elementary school training days, gathers all the skills he learned arguing with other kids on the playground, and valiantly recites your own argument back at you with one or two words changed to make it more insulting.

Not always its own thing, parroting is also a tactic of many other obnoxious commenter types. Humorously, the parrot truly believes that this is the height of wit, and will always be convinced that he totally just "got you."

Why you can't get rid of him:
You might be able to get rid of him, but since what he's saying is basically only two degrees off from what you're saying, getting him banned generally means getting banned yourself. As with most of these the best thing to do is ignore them. Just ask yourself, who's dumber: the parrot, or the person arguing with it like he expects a real conversation from a mindless animal?

1. The Contrarian

The world is full of morons, believing things that are so obviously wrong, often for reasons that are poorly considered, if they've even been considered at all. As far as the contrarian is concerned this group includes absolutely everyone that's not him. Everyone else is just so obviously wrong, and it's up to him to let them know it, at any cost...or so he'd have you believe.

More than just being argumentative and stubborn, the contrarian is so deadset on being against the maximum number of people possible that he'll even go so far as to reverse his own opinion to do so. Maybe he's just so convinced that everyone but him is stupid that he sees people agreeing with him as proof that he was wrong all along. More likely, though, he's just a troll.

Why you can't get rid of him:
You can, sometimes, if he's caught early enough or if he's stupid about it. Often times the contrarian is smart, though. He takes it slow and after a while he'll build a collection of followers just like the one line wonder from the last list - people who mistake his trolling for wisdom and think he's some sort of guru. Banning him at that point risks angering his followers, so you'll need to wait for an incident that can provide a reason to get rid of him and prove his idiocy all at once.

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