You also might have noticed I named the player avatar as the number one lamest game hero of all time. That is because Monster Hunter holds a unique place among games: it is the absolute best terrible game franchise of all time.
I usually try to avoid gushing on the blog. I even refused to review Avatar: The Last Airbender specifically because I didn't want to gush. That rule is getting put on hold for this review. I love Monster Hunter, I'll say it. I love this franchise in much the same way and for much the same reason that I love stabbing sharp objects into my eye sockets. Below are the 10 best things that Monster Hunter has ever stabbed into my eye sockets.
Does whatever a spider can... which is mostly "be terrifying" and then "eat you."
10. Nerscylla
Arachnophobes, you may wish to pass over this one. Nerscylla is the first and as yet only temnoceran in the series, a giant and terrifying spider, which eats actual wyverns.
The most truly terrifying aspect of the Nerscylla, however, is that it's actually smart. See, the Nerscylla is weak to electricity, and it knows this. In order to counter this effect, it hunts down Gypceros wyverns and skins them, covering itself with their rubbery hides to ward off electrical attacks.
The Nerscylla also has a subspecies in the Shrouded Nerscylla, a desert dweller which covers itself in the flabby and disgusting skin of the dreaded Khezu in order to protect itself from the cold desert nights.
From its disturbingly agile movements, to its frightening skin-cloak, to its extendable scissor-mandibles, to its lair in the Sunken Hollow where the player can find real dessicated Gypceros corpses suspended from the ceiling, this is just generally one of the more disturbing monsters out there.... or at least it was until Monster Hunter World did all of that stuff over again with the Vaal Hazak. Speaking of, Vaal came so close to making this list itself, but Nerscylla takes it thanks to bonus points from actually having a reason why she covers herself in rotting dragon skin.
Not pictured: The new pair of trousers you'll need after the fight.
9. Diablos
Diablos is the unholy lovechild of a dragon, a bull, and Ol' Scratch himself. Even in a world of scary giant monsters, the Diablos is every bit the horrifying monstrosity its name implies, and one of the most violent wyverns that loves nothing more than charging and goring people on its giant horns. Also, it has the most terrifying roar in the entire game, hands down.
The crazy thing about the Diablos is this: it's a strict herbivore, eating only desert cacti. It doesn't attack out of hunger and it has no natural predators. It attacks everything it sees just because.
The Diablos reaches the next level in Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate with the introduction of a new deviant subspecies, the Bloodbath Diablos, a Diablos badly wounded by a hunter and driven so insane with rage that it's now capable of boiling its own blood into a devastating explosion of steam.
GOD. DAMN.
Beautiful. Deadly. Astalos.
8. Astalos
I loved Astalos from the first time I saw it in Monster Hunter Generations. Just look at the thing. From its beautiful stained glass wings, to its wicked earwig-style pincer tail, to the stone-splitting blade of lightning it can summon from its head crest everything about this wyvern is completely awesome.
It only gets better when you see it in action. Astalos is one of the "Fated Four", Monster Hunter Generations' quartet of flagship monsters, alongside the bubble-blowing Mizutsune, the enormous woolly Gammoth, and the fiery bladed Glavenus. Astalos' element of choice is lightning, which it uses to knock out swarms of bugs for it to devour alive, and occasionally to tear apart hunters for it to also devour alive.
It also has a deviant subspecies in Generations Ultimate, the Boltreaver Astalos which I will allow the game itself to describe to you.
Whoever gets caught in the lightning shot by the unique Boltreaver Astalos will vanish without a trace, leaving only their shadow behind.
Eater of worlds, but he'll start with you.
7. Deviljho
Take everything that made the Diablos scary and multiply it by 10 and you've got the Deviljho. At least the Diablos keeps to the deserts. Deviljho, on the other hand, is an invasive species, going anywhere in the world in a quest to sate its endless hunger. It can invade almost any high rank mission, bursting out of the ground like an unholy pickle from Hell to terrorize unfortunate hunters.
To be fair, it's not the Deviljho's fault. It needs to eat constantly in order to maintain its extremely high body temperature. Oh, and you want the Deviljho to eat. Yes, you do, because if it ever gets too desperately hungry it becomes the Savage Deviljho. Savage's basic state is the same as its normal form's rage mode and can become even more enraged, wreathing its entire body with its dragon breath.
If it gets to an actual starving state its green scales fade to gold and it becomes even more powerful, capable of creating eruptions of dragon energy with each step. Probably best not to think about how that works, and just be grateful this particular form only appears in one game.
Commence bombing run. Better yet, just commence running.
6. Bazelgeuse
Alright, now take everything that made Diablos scary, multiply it into the Deviljho, then give it the ability to fly. Now you've got Bazelgeuse.
The first time you get killed by this beast in Monster Hunter World's hard mode, you're likely to not even realize what it was that did you in. This is exactly how it happened for me, when I was calmly minding my own business, saw a shadow approaching, and then simply DIED.
Even when you do see it coming, Bazelgeuse is not one to trifle with. The ash-black scales it drops from its underside are actually explosives, just waiting for Bazel or some foolish hunter to set them off. When Bazelgeuse enters his rage mode, forget about that as his explosives go off instantly, often with enough force to down a hunter in one shot. Blast Resistance won't even protect you from them, as that only applies to the Blastblight status effect.
Where Bazelgeuse is most dangerous, however, is when he takes to the skies, making runs like a World War II era bomber, salting the Earth with his lethal charges, then coming in for a deep slide that sets off the whole bunch.
Oh, and like the Deviljho, Bazel can appear anywhere in the world to ruin your day.
The original true flying wyvern.
5. Rathalos
At this point players have seen so many flying wyverns, bird wyverns, and even piscine wyverns like the Plesioth that all have the same basic shape and many of the same moves, it's easy to dismiss Rathalos, but this is the monster that started it all.
Those of us who played the first game will always remember Rathalos as the first true wyvern we saw when he came barreling in on us during a completely unrelated mission. At a point where most of us hadn't seen anything more dangerous than the raptor-like Velocidrome, this behemoth came in launching powerful fireballs and swinging around his venomous stinging tail, and sent us running for our lives.
Rathalos has a counterpart in the Rathian, the smaller, green-tinged female of the Rath species, which specializes more in poison with less fire attacks, and both have recieved more and more powerful subspecies over the years. There may be many copycats, but none of them have matched the levels of coolness reached by the King of the Skies and the Queen of the Land.
Cloud Strife, Guts, and Mike Cthulhu, eat your hearts out.
4. Glavenus
Glavenus had me sold from the first time I saw his intro scene in Monster Hunter Generations. For those of you who hate yourselves too much to watch that video (or in the very likely chance the video disappears as YouTube videos are wont to do), our bladed friend is challenged by a Rathian, who for her trouble nearly has her wing cleaved off and runs away in fear after a single attack, leaving Glavenus to trot off the victor, mowing the lawn with his just insanely sharp tail blade as he goes.
Glavenus is a beast and easily the best of the many badass members of the Brute Wyvern family. His enormous sword tail can take down most hunters in a single swing, especially if he uses it with his mouth-assisted spin attack that hits everything in a wide area around himself for enough fire and bleeding damage to probably kill you instantly. In the chance that doesn't cut it, he can just spit molten steel from his mouth to finish you off.
It also has a unique variant subspecies, the Hellblade Glavenus, and that should be all I need to say about that. If the name Hellblade alone isn't enough to get you pumped and ready to fight this monstrosity, then this clearly just isn't the game series for you.
The one thing that made Monster Hunter Tri's underwater mechanics bearable.
3. Lagiacrus
I know this one is likely to be controversial.
Lagiacrus was introduced as the flagship monster of Monster Hunter Tri. He's built up as a foil and rival to the original flagship monster Rathalos. Both are weak to the other's element, Lagi's title is "Lord of the Seas" compared to Rathalos the "King of the Skies", they even made an impressive video of the two battling for the game's intro sequence. The comparison is a worthy one, as the sea serpent is definitely a worthy competitor and a blast to fight.
Lagi also got two subspecies, land-based Ivory Lagiacrus, and the terrifying Abyssal Lagiacrus, a water-only battle that's widely considered to be more dangerous than the actual elder dragon it shares its arena with.
Of course, therein lies the problem. There is one mark against Lagiacrus and that is that, well, he IS a sea serpent and as such relied heavily on the underwater combat mechanic that so many players of Tri hated. To be fair, I can see why. Fighting underwater was slow, forced the player to worry about breathing, and opened the player up to attacks from above and below. That said? I don't give a damn. I never minded fighting in the water, especially not if my opponent was Lagiacrus.
Even the removal of underwater combat couldn't keep Lagi away for long. He returned in Monster Hunter Generations as a land-based battle, getting a boost to his land speed and strength, and a brand new arsenal of fancy tricks with his ball lightning.
On a personal level, while he's not the BEST, Lagiacrus is my own favorite. I love snakes and Lagi is the best snake, earning the title of my personal favorite monster.
When your monster's primary inspiration is H.R. Giger, you know you've got a winner.
2. The Magalas
This mysterious black dragon plagues you for the entirety of Monster Hunter 4's story. It attacks the ship you spent a fourth of the game building, wrecking it and leaving you stranded at Cheeko Sands. It attacks your allies, the Ace Hunters, during a mission and requires you to go save them.
It's strong. It's deadly. It's freaking creepy, possessing no eyes yet able to see you perfectly. Even beyond its own power, the pollen-like scale shards that it's constantly shedding have the added effect of driving other monsters into a mad frenzy, greatly increasing their abilities.
When you finally kill this crazy thing it's in an epic confrontation right near your own home town. The day is saved, the danger has passed... until you get the message that more frenzied monsters are appearing than ever before.
Oh, right, did I say Gore Magala was dead? Yeah, about that... turns out a dead Gore Magala can revive itself by shedding all of its black scales and becoming...
Not the Devil, but the Wrath of God.
Meet Shagaru Magala, the first true elder dragon of MH4. With one roar the sky darkens, everything starts exploding, dark energy is flying everywhere... then you finally kill it and the sun comes out from behind the clouds as triumphant music plays.
Hell yes! This is why we play Monster Hunter. This, right here. Say what you want about Capcom, but they know how to make an epic boss battle.
Part warthog, part alligator, part mountain range.
1. The Mohrans
The colossal Jhen Mohran lives in a great ocean of sand and is rarely seen by humans. Like Dune's Shai-Halud, the Jhen Mohran is simultaneously seen as an omen of prosperity due to the rare minerals and ores that are left in its wake, and as a terrifying behemoth due to its propensity for destroying entire cities.
While the Jhen Mohran might not be the most powerful monster or the weirdest, damn is it the most fun to fight. The battle takes place in two parts, first on the deck of a ship skimming across the sand at high speed as the Jhen keeps pace beside you, and then as a desperate last stand on the outskirts of Loc Lac as Jhen prepares to flatten the city that dares to stand in its way.
Both battles involve a tremendous array of weaponry available to you, from the hunting gong that can stun Jhen's sensitive ears, to cannons and ballistae, and a giant bow-mounted drill called the Dragonator.
Monster Hunter 4 ups the ante, introducing the Jhen's cousin, Dah'ren Mohran, a grisly battleship of a beast capable of launching stone missiles that can disable the dragonship's weapons.
And part drill press.
While I personally give it to the Jhen, which I feel has the better design (Dah'ren is just too chunky and monochromatic for my tastes), every single thing about both of these monsters gives the feeling of an epic encounter against a force of nature mere humans can't possibly hope to resist, with the fate of thousands of innocent people in the balance. I'll say it again, this is why we play Monster Hunter, and the Mohrans definitely earn their spot as the best monsters in the series.
