Friday, April 24, 2015

Actor Review Part 2: No Really, Adam Sandler Is A Talentless Hack

I said before in my review of Hotel Transylvania that I don't hate Adam Sandler, and it's really mostly true. It's not that I find Adam Sandler openly offensive so much as it is that I've just lost respect for him.

I first started to lose respect for him at the point where I realized that all of his movies were basically exactly the same, just with window dressing changed. Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, 50 First Dates, Anger Management, Click... every single one of them follows the same plot: Adam Sandler is a selfish, stupid asshole who, with the help of a wacky sidekick, learns how to be slightly less insufferable and gets the girl. Only the details change.

Then I lost more respect when it occurred to me that even in the Sandler movies I enjoyed, Sandler himself was never a really good or even memorable part of the movie. The best part of each movie is something entirely unrelated to him. In Happy Gilmore it's the foul-mouthed Bob Barker screaming about how much Gilmore sucks at golf. In Billy Madison it's Chris Farley as the psychotic bus driver (followed closely by Steve Buscemi as the insane would-be serial killer).

And then he made Grown Ups and I kinda started wishing he'd get hit by a bus.

Okay, so maybe I was wrong about not really hating Adam Sandler. But I did also realize that Adam Sandler is basically the perfect mirror image opposite version of Robin Williams. No, really:


Robin Williams was an oddball nutcase who was difficult to relate to but in a way that's fun and, if you think about it, kinda genius.

Adam Sandler is an everyman that everyone can relate to, but only by virtue of being blandly generic and dumb enough to appeal to the lowest common denominator.


Robin Williams was so hilarious and unpredictable that he stole every scene he was ever in.

Adam Sandler is trite and unfunny and constantly outshone by his funnier co-stars.


When Robin Williams realized his tendency to steal the show he attempted to rein it in, going so far as to demand to have his name removed from the advertising for Disney's Aladdin. (Disney refused his demand, however, and he eventually backed down.)

Adam Sandler always has to be the star of the show.

Actor Review: Adam Sandler Is A Talentless Hack (And Also Possibly Racist)

Recently a dozen Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler's latest film production citing a list of complaints, specifically regarding disrespectful treatment of female and elder Native Americans, and even more specifically the fact that the movie features two female Native characters named Beaver's Breath and No Bra.

Now STOP.

Because right now I can see you already scrolling down to the comments section, pounding angrily at the keyboard, furiously typing up a response to explain to me how I just don't understand that Native Americans are so mistreated, or that censorship is bad.

But see, neither of those things are the real problem here. They're not. The problem isn't that Sandler is a racist dick, or that overly sensitive people want him to censor himself.

No, the problem is that we're even having this conversation at all. The problem is that in this country, today, those two extremes are the only options that we believe we have available to us: that either we censor everything or nothing is sacred.

Obviously turning into the Taliban and declaring Holy Jihad against anyone who says something marginally questionable is really bad.

And obviously depicting an entire culture with a character named after a vaginal gas expulsion is also really bad.

But you know what? There IS something between those two extremes. It's called having some fucking CLASS. The reason Sandler's "jokes" are bad isn't because they're about Native Americans - if you think that's the problem then shut up, you're an asshole. It's because they're tasteless and insulting, and to the REAL people who are the butt of the joke it is absolutely a big deal. (And again, if you disagree with that then shut up, you're an asshole.)

Further, they don't even have the basic decency to be tasteless and insulting in a clever or unexpected way. That would at least give them SOME merit. No, Sandler committed the cardinal sin of race jokes: telling jokes that are not only racist but also unfunny and lazy. That right there is a deadly combination.

Now, the dumbest among you are right now screaming into the wind, "b-b-but, censorship! If you don't let people say whatever they want whenever they want then you're opressing them and taking away their rights!" But that's bullshit, and I can prove it: because right now, YOU'RE offended by me suggesting that your actions are offensive to others. You're thinking right now that I shouldn't have the right to say this, that someone should STOP me from saying this because you find my words to be offensive and threatening.

If you have things that offend you, what makes you think that no one else should be allowed the same courtesy? Oh yeah, because you're selfish.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Video Game Review: Desktop Dungeons

Let me start by saying I have nothing against the concept of blending genres. It can work and if done properly it can create a game far greater than the sum of its parts. Desktop Dungeons, a game which attempts to combine a rogue-like dungeon crawl with a puzzle game, could definitely have worked, if only the elements it chose to borrow from those two genres were actually compatible with each other.

Allow me to explain by way of example. As part of the puzzle aspect of the game, your hero only regenerates health and mana when exploring new areas, not when backtracking over old areas. Blind exploration is dicouraged, as doing so at full health means wasting precious healing. This forces you to think about where you want to go next instead of just going out willy nilly. I know it sounds like I'm praising the game and the truth is it could have been a good gameplay mechanic...

...IF you had any way of actually KNOWING where you should go next.

Unexplored areas are always completely blacked out, and since the dungeons are randomly layed out every time you have no way of knowing where you should go next. The fighter class mitigates this somewhat by automatically revealing the location of enemies that are your level or lower, but that hardly helps out the OTHER classes and even with this, you still have no way of knowing where to find valuable power-ups, equippable items, or spells.

The whole game is like that. In fact the greatest challenge in this game is not any enemy, but the game's own vague rules. I talked about this a little in my review of Windforge but it's even more true here: we really, really need to be given accurate, real information for a game like this to work.

For example, there's a speed stat that determines who attacks first in combat, but you can't actually see what your speed stat is. You can see that some enemies have first strike, but even enemies that don't have first strike and which you would expect to go after you in the combat order - like warlocks and zombies - can often end up going first... sometimes. Other times they go second, and since you can't actually see your speed stat or the enemy's the whole thing just comes across as arbitrary.

And that's why this game fails on both fronts. The puzzle aspects are too strictly demanding and the punishment for even one single misstep is too harsh, so the game fails as a rogue-like. At the same time, the rogue-like aspects add too much randomness and too much hidden information, so the game fails as a puzzle.

The worst part is the game has no idea. It demands care, but then forces you to go out blindly, and then punishes you harshly for doing so. It tells you it's all your fault when you fail (and you will) with condescending messages and taunts, but really it's no one's fault because everything is entirely luck-based.

Like I said, the idea of combining a rogue-like and a puzzle game is not entirely terrible. It could have worked, it just didn't in this case. Maybe some other game will come along and get it right. But this one ain't it.

KR Rating: [2] BAD

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Today, A Music Tribute For Veterans' Day

Warning: This post contains serious opinions and beliefs involving philosophy and possibly politics. If you can't handle that then skip this one.

Today, November 11th, is Veteran's Day here in the United States. In honor of that, I thought I'd make my own memorial to veterans, both here in the States and around the world. And what better way to do that then with something else I really like: metal! (Note that this is not actually a Top 5 list. Rather, these are 5 songs which help make the point I want to make this Veterans' Day.)

This post is dedicated to the two veterans closest to me: my father and my brother.

5 & 4. Star-Spangled Banner and Declaration Day by Iced Earth
While I do intend honor to everyone who has fought and sacrificed for what they believe and to protect their nation and its people, Veterans' Day is still an American holiday, so it seems only fitting to start us off today with Declaration Day and Star-Spangled Banner, both from Iced Earth's album The Glorious Burden. Now, on with the rest of the show.

3. Purple Heart by Sabaton
Freedom may be free, but the right to pursue that freedom without the influence of tyranny is not. That right has been purchased with the sacrifices made by countless veterans, both American and from all parts of the world. This song is in honor of that sacrifice.

Just because someone doesn't have a purple heart doesn't mean they haven't made that sacrifice. Often the cost is more difficult to see. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a very real thing, which affects many veterans. These people need support and understanding. They are not just making things up, nor are they ticking time bombs waiting to explode. They're people who are legitimately hurting and need help.

If you know someone with PTSD be understanding and try to help. If you can, why not make a Vet's Day donation to a group like Patriot Outreach or the PTSD Foundation of America?

2. Rise of Evil by Sabaton
I'm reminded of someone I knew as a kid who asked me to consider how much better of a place the world would be without war. I thought about it for a moment, as I was asked, and could only imagine a world where the United States never won its freedom from England, the Nazis ruled the world, and every person lived their lives in fear.

I believe that friend had it backward. If the world were a more perfect place, then there would be no need for war. But there is a need for war, because this world is not a perfect place. There are evil people, and some conflicts simply can not be reconciled.

Sabaton's Rise of Evil tells the story of the rise of the Nazi party of Germany, and serves as a reminder of why, in this broken world, war is an unfortunate necessity.

1. Survivor Guilt by Rise Against
I firmly believe in the power of violence. I have nothing against fighting or against the idea of killing for what you believe, and I absolutely believe in the power of righteous hatred as a transformative catalyst. That said, I hate war. When violence reaches that grandiose of a level, it loses its meaning. People forget why they're fighting, and they forget why they hate.

Violence is a powerful tool, and it should be used responsibly. War should be a last resort, but often it isn't. Sometimes these sacrifices are made in the name of some pompous aristocrat's own ego. Survivor Guilt by Rise Against is all about the evil of pointless war, when good men and women are asked to sacrifice their lives and the lives of others for meaningless causes.

To those who have given your lives, you are not forgotten and you are not hated.

To those politicians who order such deeds in their name of their own selfishness, may that bloody sacrilege stain your soul and curse you forever.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Video Game Review: Windforge, Why Aren't You Good?!

With a game like this, a game that seems like it should be so good, it's difficult to tell from reviews alone whether or not it's worthwhile. I knew going in that the game had a lot of negative reviews, but it was impossible not to at least give it a try and I'll admit, I really, really wanted this game to be good. I mean, it just sounds like it should be awesome. It's basically like Terraria, a game I currently have nearly 2,000 hours of playtime in, with the ship-building mechanic from Space Engineers, and set in a richly detailed steampunk world of floating islands and flying sky whales. There's no way this isn't the greatest game ever made. Right?

Sadly, it's not the greatest game ever made. In fact, it's not a great game at all, or even a good game, or even a mediocre game. Windforge is a game which is fundamentally, fatally flawed. By way of explaining how, and because lists are easy to write, allow me to present to you The Top 3 Things Wrong With Windforge!

3. The Graphics
Here's the thing about the graphics: some of them actually look amazing. The flying whales and the krakens that live in the lower regions of the world, and the larger objects like the giant balloons and clocktowers, are all lovingly rendered. The watercolor background is pretty nice too. It's obvious that the developers really worked hard on the graphics. So what the Hell is up with this?

Click the picture for a larger image.

It looks blocky and awful, like my house is built from stacked up Lincoln Logs. This is because there's no blending or tiling with the graphics, which is weird because even Starbound and Terraria have that. Also, there's an awful lot of these blocks. In Terraria your character is three blocks tall, and in Starbound it's four. Here? Freaking eight! These blocks are tiny is what I'm getting at, which makes construction and destruction a massive chore.

What else makes construction a chore? The painfully bad attempt at 2.5D graphics. Everything is in this weird 3/4ths view which I'm sure the developers thought was just so cool, but really it just gets in the way. It's hard to know what block you're digging at with your jackhammer when you're mining, and it's hard to see what you're doing when you're building on a ship or a home base.

Also, what's with my furniture? Look at that. It looks like it's just painted onto the wall instead of actually sitting on the floor.

2. What Do These Numbers Mean?
I'll admit, math was never my big thing. I mean, I'm not completely stupid with numbers, but it never came as easy to me as other things. That said, what the hell do these numbers mean?

My ship weighs 524 widgets, but I have 1,389 whatsits worth of lift and 30,000 doodads worth of buoyancy! That's worth at least 100 million bananas!

My ship's mass is only 524, and I have 1,389 vertical thrust, so shouldn't I be able to move up and down fairly well? No, I can't. For that matter, why is my vertical thrust only 1,389? My three propellers provide a total thrust of 13,500 (4,500 x 3), so how is that counteracted so greatly by a mass of only 524? And shouldn't my buoyancy of 30,000 totally cancel out the mass issue anyway? Honestly, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I just knew what these numbers meant. Is my mass 524 kilograms? 524 tons? Who knows? The fact that there are no units given for these numbers just makes them all feel arbitrary.

And no, I'm not so stupid that I can't figure out adding a few extra propellers will let me move again, but I shouldn't have to guess at it. And if you DO want me to have to guess at it, then why bother giving me the numbers at all? It's not like they matter.

This issue doesn't only affect airships either. It's also a problem with armor, weapons, pretty much everything. Earlier in the game my character picked up a set of bronze full plate armor. I was excited because it gave her 30 more defense than my old set of leather-bronze bandit armor, so I put it on and went out to fight some people, and noticed that the bandits who were previously dealing 46 points of damage a shot with their pistols were now doing... 46 points of damage a shot. Seriously, what the Hell do these numbers mean?!

1. Movement
So, if I was designing a game about floating islands and airships, and I had to name what I thought would be the single most important aspect of the gameplay, the one thing that I absolutely had to make sure I didn't screw up no matter what, I would have to say that would be a good jumping mechanic. I mean, we're dealing with a game world where one missed jump means, at best, you fall and break your everything on the next floating island down, or at worst you fall all the way into the planet's core and burn to death. That's not a pleasant way to go.

That said, this game has what might just be the worst jumping algorithm of any game I've ever played. You move too fast, and it's too hard to control where you end up. Even walking is dangerous, as stepping off a slope means the jumping algorithm takes over and sends you rocketing over the nearest ledge straight to your death. I found that latching my grappling hook on to the ground was a necessary step whenever I was near a ledge, so that when I fell I would at least be able to stop myself.

Oh yeah, and let's talk about the grappling hook. I'll admit it's fun to swing around on and feel like I'm a steampunk Spiderman. Even so, the grappling hook isn't much better than anything else. It's too fiddly and too slow to fire, it never seems to connect when you need it to, or else it connects to the wrong thing. Even when it does connect right, it's too unpredictable; sometimes you just stop and hang there, and other times you spin around at high speed, usually straight into your airship's propellers.

That brings us to the last mode of movement: airships. Airship movement is... passable. It's a bit wonky sometimes itself, mostly due to inertia and the difficulty of making yourself come to a complete stop. (Seriously, Space Engineers had the inertial dampener system for a reason, Windforge developers.) Also, my ship felt like it had a weird desire to keep drifting upward which always made it very hard to dock properly. Of course, there's also the weirdness of the numbers which I mentioned before, where you always seem to have either not enough thrust so you can barely move, or else too much so you rocket across the map with a slightest touch of the buttons. It's a good thing repairs to your airship are free, because you will crash into things constantly.

KR Rating: [2] BAD

I find that the games I give a rating of 2 out of 5 are generally ambitious failures, and this is no exception. It's clear to me from the detailed nature of this game that the developer really wanted to do a good job. The artwork is great, aside from the afore-mentioned problems. The game world is very interesting and well thought out. (Seriously, just watch this video - this world is amazing.)

It's just a shame that the game they built around this concept is so poorly built. Like Dr. Frankenstein before him, the developer brought his creation to life as a shambling mess that can barely function and will probably end up being the death of us all - I know it's sure killed me more than a few times.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Video Game Review: Rogue Legacy

Rogue Legacy. This game really bothers me, and it's a bit difficult for me to explain exactly why. Still, if I had to explain (and I kind of do, otherwise this isn't much of a review) then I would put it like this:

Like most people, I originally loved this game. The exploration-based platforming and combat were fun and simple. More, the "inheritance" system - wherein each time you die you take over one of your character's children with a new class, special attack, and collection of traits - was something completely new, which I had never seen any game attempt before.

But of course, you do eventually realize the game's problems. For me, this realization came near the end of my first day with the game I looked over and realized I was level 60 already... and I was barely into the game. I hadn't even beaten the first boss. I wasn't even close to ready to beat the first boss.

This is because you advance SO slowly in this game. At that point, and heck still where I am now a really good run through the dungeon might net me a rune I'll never use and enough gold to get +1 attack power.

But that's not what bothers me.

Then I realized, this game is basically built to reward luck over skill. Everything about this game is luck; the luck to get a nicer build for the procedurally generated castle, the luck to get better rewards in the chests and from enemies. Even combat rewards luck over skill, as the one truly skill-based class (the Hokage) is quickly overshadowed by the others and you're forced to rely on things that are by definition unreliable to win: things like critical hits, MP-using magic attacks, and tanking with high HP.

But that's not what bothers me.

I realized that the game is basically just a time sink. If you really look at it, there's really not a whole lot of content here. If you could go straight through on one try you'd have about four hours of content. It gets stretched out because you die constantly, you advance so slowly, and every time you re-enter the dungeon you've got to run through the same regions you've already been through again and again.

But that's not what bothers me.

No, what bothers me is the fact that this stuff DOESN'T bother me.

The game is just plain fun. The platforming works really well and, while it can be difficult, you always get the sense that you could totally do it if you were just a little bit better. Combat is simple and enjoyable, but also a fair challenge.

The presentation is great, as well. The enemies and environments are beautifully drawn, and the music is the perfect amount of atmospheric without becoming just dull and moody - Diablo's music composers could stand to take a few lessons from these guys.

This is a game I can get into and just play again and again. It's just too bad that every time I load it up I feel like I'm giving in to something evil...

KR Rating: [4] DAMN IT, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO GOOD?

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Top 10 Things Non-Writers Don't Get About Writing

My two biggest long time hobbies are drawing and writing. I don't always put my work up for everyone to see and I admittedly got really lazy for a long time, but I do spend a lot of time doing both.

Having recently gotten into a new writing project, however, I was reminded of just how little non-writers really understand about the writing process. To my friends who aren't writers, I love you all but seriously, some of the things you do are really annoying, and so I'm here to let you know. These are the top 10 things that you really need to understand about writing.

10. Writing dark stories is not a cry for help.
For some reason I don't understand - maybe some strange leftover urge from Lit class - all non-writers always seem to assume that anything you write is a secret allegory for your own life. This is especially true if you tend to write darker stories like I do; if I had a nickel for every person who read one of my stories and then tried to play armchair psychiatrist to me... well, I'd probably have a few more nickels. No, people. The fact that I'm writing a character with an abusive father does not mean I hate my dad. The fact that a character dies at the end does not mean I'm suicidal. It's called creating drama, you uncultured philistines.

9. I can hate any character, including my main character, and write them anyway.
Of course, liking them does make writing a whole lot easier, but it's not a necessity. This one, as near as I can tell, ties into the above entry. Non-writers assume that the main character is meant to be the author him or herself, so obviously if I hate my main character then I must hate myself, right? No. It doesn't work that way. The truth is that as you write your creation will take on a life of its own, which is also why...

8. Yes, your own writing can legitimately surprise you.
Non-writers are always flabbergasted by this one. How could a story you write and that you presumably had planned out in advance surprise you? It's true that I usually have some idea of where my story is going to go before I write it. It's also true that often, by the time I get to the parts I had spent so long planning in my head, I suddenly realize what I had planned is not something that the character would actually do. At all. I've had entire stories pull a 180 on me before. It happens.

7. Don't ask me what my story is about.
This one I'll admit is kind of weird. If you ask me about a book that someone else wrote I can tell you all about it. It's about a guy who does some stuff and then stuff happens as a result so he has to do some other stuff, the end. But ask me what my own story is about and suddenly I draw a complete blank. It's not that I don't know, I just don't feel like I can do it justice with a short description. If you really want to know what my story is about do me a favor: wait until it's done and read it. But do remember that...

6. No, you can't read it yet.
Even though stories are not necessarily auto-biographical they are a writer's emotions being put on display. It's been said before that being a writer is like showing your butt to the world; well, if you've gotta do it, then you at least want to make sure it's clean first, right? Just relax. You'll get to read it at the same time as everyone else. Honestly, you probably wouldn't like what's there right now anyway since...

5. The first draft is never, ever worth publishing.
I often hear non-writers ask what is the purpose of a "rewrite." They always have this idea of a master writer sitting down and writing out a flawless masterpiece on the first try. This idea is absurd. Even Stephen King's first drafts are crappy messes of loose plot threads. You just don't realize, because you never see it. And while we're on the topic of publishing...

4. Don't ask me when I'm going to get published.
I don't know. I might never get published. I might not even be trying to get published. Believe it or not a lot of writers write as a hobby, and even those who do intend to get published might not want to publish every work they write. Among writers there is what's known as "trunk works." That is, works that you finish and then hide in a trunk in your attic because, for whatever reason, you just don't want anyone to see it. Maybe it's not as good, or too personal, or maybe you were just using it to try out new ideas. Whatever the reason, it's not going to be published. (And people, please stop posthumously publishing trunk works from famous authors. You have no idea how much of a dick that makes you.)

3. Also, if you try to read my story over my shoulder, I will punch you.
As I mentioned at the start, my two major hobbies are drawing and writing. Needless to say I quickly developed a habit of sitting at the very back of a room with no one around me, because both of these hobbies draw in looky-loos like flies to a trash can. If I don't want to let you read my story yet, then I definitely don't want you looking over my shoulder at it.

2. And if you try to take my notebook away so you can "fix" my story, I will kill you. (And it will be a closed-casket funeral.)
Now that I'm a 6'6" grown man with a shaved head who looks like he could stomp most people flat and occasionally makes small children cry, people don't do this anymore, but back in high school I was just a fat nerd and yes I had people try to snatch my notebook away so they could "fix" whatever it was I was working on. The worst part was they didn't even think they were being jerks. Both of the people who did this to me were close friends who honestly thought that they were helping. They were not helping.

1. It is extremely @#%$ing obnoxious when you disturb me while I'm writing.
You think it's no big deal. You are wrong. Writing is an extremely emotional process. I actually have an entire ritual I go through to "clear the air" and get myself into a proper mindset before I sit down and write. Once I get into my writing it's not something I can just stop and then pick back up on a dime.

I'm going to put this as clear as I can for all of my non-writer friends out there, and keep in mind that there is no exaggeration in this statement at all: Being interrupted while you're writing is exactly the same as being interrupted while you're having sex.