Sunday, June 24, 2007

Video Game Review: The old website's greatest hits.

Anyone who's spent time around geeks quickly grows used to dealing with hyperbole. Rarely will a gamer describe a video game as being average. If they like it it's not good, it's TOTALLY AWESOME and likewise if they don't like it it's not bad, it's COMPLETE CRAP.

The point is geeks can be very critical when it comes to their hobbies and this leads to a whole lot of best/worst games ever, a designation which is usually undeserved. Unlimited SaGa is not such a game. It is truly one of the worst games of all time.

Unfortunately, I can't really provide an accurate review of a whole lot of this game. The reason for this is because I've only played this game for about 5 minutes, 4 minutes of which was taken up by me trying to figure out how to get the game to fucking work.

Like most SaGa games you start by selecting from between several main characters. Once that's done you go right into the gameplay! Sorta. You see, you can't actually move around in this game. You start on a map and you see talking heads of the characters for the story. Then you select an area to go to on the map...and then you select another area to go to! At that point you may or may not have another conversation, then you select another area!

When you finally do get into a battle you line up as usual...and then the true fucked up nature of this game is revealed. You see, the creators of this game wisely decided to take out all the tedium of actually trying to play the game. When you fight, all of the commands -attack, defend, special attack, etc- are placed on a wheel which spins at high speeds. All you have to do is press a button to watch the wheel slowly grind to a halt. This is good because it means you feel no responsibility for failing and watching all of your characters die.

The true question is, why do we even have this game? It's bad enough that this game was made, but what made them think we would want to play it? For years the Japanese had 3 more Final Fantasy games then we did, and they still have about 6 more Fire Emblems, 7 more Dragon Warriors, 3 more SaGas, and 2 more Earthbounds then we do. And those are popular games that people love, as evidenced by the massive number of Americans who import those games, even though it means trying to play in a language they don't speak.

So why, if Japan keeps the GOOD games, do they send us this bullshit? The obvious answer is that they hate us. For more evidence see every game Capcom has ever made. The only reason we haven't nuked Japan off the face of the Earth yet is because they're still our only source of anime and Hello Kitty vibrators.

The least the Japanese can do is show a little gratitude. I mean, we put a lot of money into rebuilding their economy after World War II, and all they ever had to put up with was the humiliation of their people and the destruction of all of their customs and a way of life they held dear for centuries. Oh, and also several million deaths and a lasting taint of radiation poisoning. All I'm asking is that we, the people of America, be hailed as great liberators. Come on, Japan, can't you be more like Afghanistan?

Annotation from The Future:

I wasn't kidding about how long I played this game. I literally only played for about five minutes or so. I didn't even get my character out of the first town before I stopped playing. I know that as a reviewer that's probably not a good thing for me to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway just because I love the fact that even though I barely played it, people who did play the game still tell me I'm absolutely right about it. This game really sucks is what I'm saying.

Commercial Review: Wood screw is when a treant humps a dryad.

So I've been watching the recent Alltell commercials. The ones where the kids from the "other companies" drag Our Hero into a dirty van and threaten him in various, supposedly dorky ways. I'll admit it was kinda funny when they pinched him and when he responded with understandable confusion they threatened "there's more where that came from."

Then they made a commercial where Our Hero "tricks" the Other Guys into admitting they play Dungeons and Dragons by asking them a question about dungeon master levels. Of course, as a DnD player myself I was less than impressed since very few DnD players make any attempt to hide the fact. Apparently even the people who made this commercial realize that, given the Other Guys' eagerness to call Our Hero on his lack of DnD knowledge. Which really makes me wonder what the point of this commercial was.

And then there was the most recent commercial where Our Hero is once again threatened, this time by the Sprint Fatty promising to "beat you with a tube sock full of wood screws" and responding to the confused stares with "my father's a carpenter." As a person whose father is ALSO a contractor I had no idea thta having a relative in construction was supposed to be dorky. Instead my first thought was something along the lines of "oh, shit, that would HURT."

Dear Alltell Advertisers: if you're not sure what a dork actually acts like stop making commercials about cool kids being threatened in the Mystery Machine and visit the supernerds you have peddling phones in your stores.

Annotation from The Future:

Sadly, as far as I know, the last commercial I mentioned here was the end of the "threatening the cool kid" line of ads. Looking back on it now I actually wish it would've gone on a bit longer. I would like to have seen just how retarded Alltell's advertisers were willing to get.

Oh well, at least we got to see Verizon make fools of themselves.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Music Review: Sometimes I wish you could sing.

The first review ever goes to Ciara's "Like a Boy".

Dear Ciara and fans of Ciara: this song isn't cool. It isn't badass. It's bitchy. This is the bitchiest song ever made.

Everyone knows women get bitchy about retarded things. So when she gets upset about him having friends that's just par for the course. I'm talking about the overall message of the song: that Ciara (or the writer, or whatever random woman this song is supposed to be the words of) is a doormat. Forget the admittedly snappy tune and supposed coolness of the "You can't handle it!" in the background. She comes right out from the very beginning of the song and admits that she knows her man is cheating on her and yet is perfectly willing to allow it to continue because to get upset would be...letting him win? I don't know. I don't understand dumbass.

But mostly, it's that "Sometimes I wish..." line. "Sometimes I wish..." is the staple of the nag's arsenal, as all men know. 65 million years ago, when the first man came home from work to his cave and took a nap and left dirty dishes in the sink and the first woman saw it, she used that phrase. That's how old it is.

I'm going to give the advice that most men would probably give (aside from "shutup"). If you wish you could act like a boy then do it. Don't just sit there and sing your bitchy songs about how much you wish you could do something about your man cheating. DO SOMETHING.

Annotation from The Future:

This wasn't even a joke. Listen to the lyrics (or don't, because this song sucks). The entire premise of the song is "I let you abuse and disrespect me because I'm strong. If you were in my place you couldn't handle it." Not to sound misogynistic, but this is actually a concept I've heard expressed by lots of women, this idea that allowing yourself to be mistreated and never standing up for yourself somehow makes you powerful and brave.

Maybe it's because I'm a man, but no matter how many times I hear this concept repeated I still can't understand it. I wouldn't go so far as to say that a person who never stands up for herself deserves the abuse she receives but, well, actually yes I would. Turning the other cheek is fine and dandy, but hell, even the guy who invented that phrase knew there was a time when you need to stand up. Being agnostic I don't reference the Bible often, but seriously: Matthew 21:12, people.