Thursday, May 30, 2019

Twilight (Movie Review)


In a world where moview reviewers are forced to provide a synopsis for a story everyone already knows for the benefit of the one guy living under a rock somewhere...

Follow the adventures of Bella Swan, the pretty and likeable yet inexplicably unpopular new girl at school. She meets a handsome yet aloof young man named Edward Cullen... but is he really what he seems to be? The answer to that question, by the way, is yes, because he seems like a creepy psycho and he is one too. Also, vampire.

Yeah, everyone knows what Twilight is, and everyone also knows that it's the worst movie ever made, based on the worst book ever written. At least that's if the internet is anything to go by. Far be it for me to leave it at that. I had to watch the movie to judge for myself, because apparently being a free thinker means indulging in lousy stories written by sexually repressed housewives for emo teen girls.

Is the movie as bad as you've heard? No, of course it's not. That's not even a question. What we've all heard is that the day Twilight was released is the day the sun turned black, blood rained from the sky, and the laughter of The Evil One echoed through the darkness to herald the coming of The Worst Movie Ever Made. Twilight isn't the worst movie ever made. It's not even in the bottom 50.

That said, it's not great either.

What Twilight has is some good ideas. ...I mean, aside from the sparkly vampires. ...and the werewolf being in love with a fetus thing from the later movies. Okay, Twilight has some really stupid ideas, but there are some good ideas in there too. In particular, I actually found the Cullen family to be really cool, to the extent that I would much rather any of Edward's other family members have been the main characters instead. To be fair, I feel like this is an original sin of the genre itself - the side characters are so much more interesting, but we have to follow these blocks of wood because their cliche "boy meets girl" story is the one people expect.

Speaking of blocks of wood, yes, the acting is terrible. It is also absolutely on purpose, as both Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan) and Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen) are actually very talented actors who have turned in excellent performances in other works.

The movie also suffers from an excess of narration, and spends too much time telling instead of showing. This, I feel, is an original sin of the story itself. This is a hallmark of a novice writer... which is what the novelist Stephanie Meyer was, of course.

In all...


BAD

PROS:CONS:
+ The Cullens are pretty interesting characters. Honestly, so is everyone else whose name isn't Bella or Edward.- Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are made of wood, and therefore are witches.
- Does too much telling when it needs to do more showing.
- This is the skin of a killer, Bella!

Thursday, May 23, 2019

5 Obscure Video Games That SHOULD Have Spawned Major Franchises

One undeniable fact of the universe is that the best man doesn't always win. For every two-bit hack getting paid to write articles online even though they're wrong about everything and can't go three sentences without a typo, there's someone like me who has impeccable grammar, is always right, and also gets paid nothing and has maybe 5 regular readers of my blog.

Just the same, for every Final Fantasy, every Mario, and every other franchise that everyone knows and that everyone will always instantly buy the next game in the series even if the last one was trash, there's a dozen other games that were just as good, if not even better, but that never made it anywhere, for whatever reason. Here are my personal top five examples that the world isn't fair.



5. Warlords Battlecry
Warlords Battlecry was a spinoff from the Warlords series of turn-based fantasy games, changing the genre from turn-based strategy to real-time strategy. One thing you'll notice is a lot of the games on this list are very similar to other, far more popular game series. In this case, the other series is, of course, Warcraft.

Warcraft actually came first. (Compared to Battlecry at least, Warlords beat the first Warcraft by four years.) However, Warlords Battlecry was far better. It had more factions, BETTER factions, and introduced the idea of a persistent hero leveling system in an RTS two years before Warcraft tried to play it up as new and innovative.

Of course, Warcraft had Blizzard money behind it, and that's all there is to it. On a more fair note, Warcraft 3 was also far more moddable compared to Battlecry, so it does have that going for it.



4. Legend of Dragoon
Developed by Sony Computer Entertainment back before they sucked (as bad as they do now) Legend of Dragoon was one of the best RPGs released for the original Playstation. The game revolved entirely around the main characters' ability to transform into the titular Dragoons, magical super-soldiers with the power of dragons.

The other major draw of the game was the precision combat system. Whenever you attacked an enemy, two symbols would appear on the screen and move toward one another. If you pressed a button when the symbols met, you could execute combination attacks. I have lousy timing so it was never very good for me, but whatever. It was a good system that has been re-used a lot of times in various RPGs over the years. Remember this system, because it will become important in a bit.

Despite receiving universally high scores from independent critics and becoming a cult classic, every major review site of the day BLASTED the game, giving it scores of around 3 or 4 out of 10, which any gamer knows is something that almost never happens. Most of the reviews were clearly written about the first chapter of the game. Every single one of them revolved around the precision combat system, which they claimed was "exactly the same as Final Fantasy's Limit Break system", which is a lie so ballsy they might as well have claimed the sky was neon green. The reviews were all such blatant bullshit that sites were petitioned to re-review the game. The few that did just gave it the same review they already had.

I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist and claim that Square-Enix recognized a legitimate and powerful competitor and paid critics to destroy it. All I'm saying is that every name worth buying totally blasted the game, flat-out dismissed its best feature, and name-dropped its primary competitor right there in the review.

So, I guess, I am absolutely saying that Square-Enix paid critics to kill Legend of Dragoon.



3. Tactics Ogre
How to introduce this series... Tactics Ogre is what Final Fantasy Tactics was supposed to be. Yeah, that works. I don't just mean that as some backhanded way of saying that Ogre is better, either. No, I mean it literally.

Developed by Quest, the series began as Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen. That one was... actually pretty terrible. It had some cool ideas, but was bogged down by an extremely complicated system where battles could take hours to finish and you had very little control in combat. The follow-up, Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together, revamped the entire concept, practically inventing the tactical combat system that any RPG fan will undoubtedly recognize from other games like, just for a wild example, literally everything that Atlus has ever published ever.

Ogre also set up an intriguing story in a consistent world. Landmasses, politics, and characters carried over between games. The storytelling was deep, involved, and dark without being hopeless.

So what went wrong? Square-Enix went wrong. Since publishers Atlus weren't very active in the United States at the time, Quest went with a company called Enix for the western release of March of the Black Queen. Enix agreed, on the grounds that the game would be a limited release only, and receive no marketing. Years later, another company called Squaresoft pulled the exact same trick with the sequel. That's right, Quest got screwed by both halves of Square-Enix before the companies' merger.

Soon afterward, lead designer Yasumi Matsuno left Quest along with several other senior designers, and eventually went to work for Squaresoft. Quest tried to keep the series going, but it was over. Soon enough Square-Enix bought Quest in its entirety and killed off the series for good. Meanwhile, Yasumi and his team went to work on spiritual successor Final Fantasy Tactics, later taking the name Ivalice Alliance.

So, why am I complaining? Because, as I've said before, Final Fantasy Tactics sucks. Okay, okay, I'll admit that it did some things right, namely adding the mix-and-match customization system that everyone loved. But Ogre has better storytelling, a more compelling world and characters, and just generally really, really deserves to be its own thing.

There was a remake, made by Square-Enix and Ivalice Alliance, of Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together for the Playstation Portable, that added new story content, gave you the ability to play through every branch of the story on the same save file, and was just generally the best thing ever. Too bad apparently nobody liked it except for me, and so the odds of us ever getting another Tactics Ogre are slim to none.



2. The Guardian Legend
Take old school Legend of Zelda, add in a splash of 1942, make it better than both of them, and top it off with a cool robot girl who can transform into a spaceship. That's the recipe for The Guardian Legend.

As "The Guardian" ("full name Strongest Warrior System D.P., pet name Miria"... but that's only in the Japanese manual because they hate us) your job is to blow up the alien planet Naju before it collides with Earth and kills everyone. To accomplish this you'll explore a vast overworld, defeating enemies and collecting upgrades and weapons, then travel into the "corridors", where Miria transforms into a spaceship and blasts through waves of enemies in order to activate the artificial planet's self-destruct mechanism.

The game features a robust upgrade system, and a style of gameplay that is both challenging and unique, being basically two games in one. That does mean each half is smaller than its equivalent, but it's still quite big. Try an overworld map even larger than the first Zelda's, and with roughly 2/3rds as many shooter levels as 1942.

Unfortunately, the reception at the time was almost all negative. Referred to as "mediocre at best" by Electronic Gaming Monthly, the highest score it ever got from any official publication was just shy of an 8 out of 10. A big part of this can be put on the game's stupidly complicated password system. The Guardian Legend came out near the end of the "password" era of gaming, when games were getting too complicated for password saves to be viable. TGL's passwords are all 32 characters long, and include both upper and lower case letters, numbers, and the symbols "?" and "!". Yeah, they're stupid.

Fortunately, emulators and save states exist now, removing the need for those stupid passwords. You can still use the passwords, of course, and ironically they actually make it even better now. Why? Because of "The Lost Frontier". That's the fan nickname for the region outside the playable bounds of the game, which you can reach by inputting certain passwords. The result is Super Mario Bros' Minus World, if Minus World was actually cool - an endless series of (admittedly very glitchy) procedurally generated maps to explore.



Honorable Mentions
Number 1 is coming soon, but first few that didn't quite make the cut.

Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy - A pretty damn good third person shooter from the days before the market was completely saturated with those. Featured a decent amount of polish, an intriguing story, fun gameplay with cool psychic powers, a totally pretentious title, and a cool song by Cold. Despite being critically acclaimed and being remembered as a cult classic, it had the misfortune of coming out alongside such titans as Half-Life 2 and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and so it disappeared into the sea of other one-shot titles.

Beyond Good and Evil - One of the most criminally underrated games of all time, Beyond Good and Evil follows the story of Jade, kickass heroine and photojournalist, on her quest to expose the evil DomZ. Envisioned as the first part of a trilogy, the game was considered a commercial failure. It did eventually get an HD remaster, and Beyond Good and Evil 2 is actually in the works now, disqualifying it for this list, but it's worth mentioning nonetheless.

And now...







1. Vectorman
Developed by BlueSky Software, Vectorman had everything. It was fun, it looked marvelous, and it had lots of heart. Draws included a cool transformation system, humorous minigame rounds between the gameplay stages, and near-Playstation-quality graphics... on the Sega Genesis! The point is, Vectorman is the greatest video game ever God damn made, and if you disagree I will cut you.

If any game deserved fame and fortune, it's Vectorman. This should be one of the great franchises of all time that everyone knows and loves. People should be camping out in front of their local GameStop for a copy of Vectorman X 12: Warhead's Revenge. But they're not. Chances are, you never even heard the name "Vectorman" before you read this post.

What happened? Sega happened. BlueSky created a plan for Vectorman 3 for the Sega Saturn, but their relationship with Sega ended before the game could be greenlit. Sega kept the rights to Vectorman, and refused to let anything be done with them, just for the Hell of it. ...ha, no, that would be BETTER. Actually, Sega had plans to make their own Vectorman game, with absolutely none of the stuff that made the original so great, and not even in the same genre. (Speaking of, fans of Guilty Gear should be finding this story extremely familiar right now.)

Sega showed their NEW and IMPROVED Vectorman at the 2003 E3 to universal disdain, and that was the last anyone ever heard of this franchise. As for BlueSky... some of their people went on to found VBlank Entertainment, and to create Shakedown Hawaii and Retro City Rampage DX. So that's cool.

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Video Game Review: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions

Originally posted on October 11, 2012.

I'm going to be posting two updates this week, in part to make up for missing last week, and in part because I wanted this up to go along with something I'll be posting this Thursday.



If you're a gamer and you're more than 6 years old then you've heard of Final Fantasy Tactics, and if you've known me for any length of time then you know I hate it with a passion. It occurs to me, however, that I've never entirely explained why I hate it. (Aside from when this was first posted 6 and a half years ago, but ignore that.) With that in mind, allow me to present to you the biggest problems I have with Final Fantasy Tactics... or more specifically with the PlayStation Portable remake, The War of the Lions.

Settle in, this is going to be a LONG one.

Gameplay: Too Random, Too Easy to Lose Everything
The main draw of Final Fantasy Tactics has always been the level of customizability for your characters. Even though I know the Job system has been around since the first Final Fantasy, this is the game that established the mix-and-match system that has been used in numerous titles since. You can do a lot here. You want to make a ninja with super jumping and a sword that turns people into frogs? You can do that. You want to make a heavily armored tank who teleports around the battlefield and bonks people with a book? Weird, but you can totally do that too, as long as you're willing to put forth the effort of searching out rare items, grinding out JP - job points - to purchase all of those abilities, and if you save your game compulsively.

See, it's really easy to lose all of the stuff you've worked on getting. Enemy knights can use the Rend skills to destroy your super-rare equipment, and enemy thieves can steal it. There is no protection given to even unique items, and there is no way to get your items back. Ever. Of course, you can just equip your character with the Safeguard skill to prevent item destruction... if you're okay with completely wasting your one and only support ability slot.

You can even lose your characters if you're not careful. When participating in random battles you'll find the game loves to put you up against hordes of massively powerful enemies, but even if it doesn't you can still lose your people. When a unit is reduced to 0 HP in this game, with a few exceptions, they are downed for a 3 count at which point they are dead forever. If you fail to successfully cast Raise or Arise on a fallen ally - which is entirely likely given the pathetic success rate of those spells, which is usually about 50/50 at best - then kiss your hard work good bye!

Speaking of which, that leads us to the bigger issue. Basically everything you can ever do - buffing your allies, hurting your enemies, etc - has only a small percentage chance of actually working. While you'd think this chance would get steadily higher as you become more and more awesome over the course of the game the opposite is actually true, as your enemies also become stronger and gain higher resistances.

The worst is reaction skills. As the name implies these are skills which activate as a reaction to some event, almost always being attacked, like counterattacking an enemy who hits you, or boosting magic power when struck by a damaging spell. Reaction skills, like basically everything else, have only a percentage chance to activate which is higher or lower depending on the skill in question. Skills like your basic counterattack will activate fairly regularly but anything cooler, like Parry (blocks melee attacks) or First Strike (stops enemy attack and attacks first) will activate so rarely you'd might as well not even have them equipped.

That's pretty much the game in a nutshell right there: the cooler what you're trying to do is, the less chance it has of actually working. Anything more badass then a basic character using basic attacks will fail so often they'd might as well not even exist.

Story: Life Sucks, You Suck, Then You Die
Let's get this out of the way: The War of the Lions is a very well told bad story. Anyone who disagrees with that either didn't pay attention to the story, or only played the first chapter.

And yes, the first chapter is really good. You play as Ramza Beoulve, a nobleman even amongst noblemen, from the most prestigious family in the world, charged with fighting against the rebels who intend to tear the kingdom apart. As the chapter goes on, Ramza begins to question the greed and arrogance of the nobles. He realizes it's their inability to discipline themselves that led to the rebellion in the first place. Finally it all comes to a head when Ramza's best friend's sister is killed, essentially for being a "worthless peasant." Ramza finally decides he's had enough; he renounces his birthright and determines to change the world!

Spoiler: He fails.

Except, wait, that's not a spoiler. They tell you that at the beginning of the game. What is a spoiler is HOW he fails. Despite the game heavily implying that Ramza is going to join the rebellion against the nobles... he doesn't. Actually, he does the opposite. He continues working for the nobles, but as a mercenary. He still works exclusively for the nobility, and he still exclusively takes on jobs that pit him against the rebellion, he just doesn't answer to the nobles directly anymore. Basically, we're playing a wishy-washy coward who's too scared to stand for anything. What a wonderful main character.

Long story short: after murdering literally every good and idealistic person in the world, Ramza is killed as well, his name and deeds are stricken from the history books, and the world enters into a 1,000 year Dark Age which it's only just coming out of at the narrator's time.

Oh, and that's not the Bad Ending. It's the ONLY Ending.

Allow me to take this time to give some advice to any aspiring writers. As both a fan and a writer of DARK stories, there's a trick to making them work. Here it is: things suck, but they get better. That's the important part. Things have to get better. If they don't, then why am I bothering to play the game?

That's the reason why Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together (which I have often cited as being better than this game, and for good reason) had a great story, while this game's story is a load of trash. Tactics Ogre starts you off as a member of an oppressed ethnic minority being faced with genocide. You're asked to do a lot of morally questionable things along the way, and a lot of good people get hurt... but in the end you unify the country under its single rightful ruler, and usher in an era of prosperity. Things get better.

In Final Fantasy Tactics the world sucks, you suck, and then you die. The end.

There's Really Not Even That Much Customization
So yeah, I mentioned how you can do a whole lot with your characters, like making a black mage who wears heavy armor and can jump 500 feet in the air. But if you want that armored mage to also have a sword you can go to Hell.

Each character has five ability slots: two skill command slots (one of which is taken up by that class's default command set, for example "Black Magick" for black mages), one reaction skill slot, one support skill slot, and one movement skill slot. Trust me when I say each slot has a lot of good skills for it that you'll probably want to use. Buuuut, you can't.

Even worse, there are skills you need to have to avoid becoming gimped, but that means any other skills are useless. For example, if you're making a character to use for physical attacks then they need to have the Dual Wield skill to attack with two equipped weapons, or else they won't be able to deal enough damage to keep up in the later game. But what if you also want the Defend skill or the Concentrate skill which makes all attacks always hit, or the Arcane Defense skill to resist magic? Too bad. Melee attackers need Dual Wield, period. Oh, and forget about taking the Equip ___ skills so you can use the equipment you want regardless of class, because that's an enormous waste of your one and only precious support skill slot.

Mages have it just as bad. Mages need to have the Manafont skill, which restores some MP to them whenever they move. Without this skill they will run out of points to cast their spells very quickly, even if using the Halve MP skill. But what if you want your white mage to be able to teleport or fly, to get healing or raise spells to an ally who needs it more easily? Too bad because you need Manafont, period.



As I said, I know I often compare this game unfavorably to Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together, but even on its own merits, this game suffers from fundamental, fatal flaws. The thing is, both games were made by the same team... and Tactics Ogre came first! Ogre suffered from poor marketing in the States, the studio shut down, and most of the team were hired by Square-Enix, eventually becoming the Ivalice Alliance.

Final Fantasy Tactics was a huge step backward for this team. That said, they did fix a lot of the problems in later entries in the series, eventually culminating in the actually pretty good Final Fantasy Tactics A2... and then they fell off the face of the Earth.


BAD

PROS:CONS:
+ Established the mix-and-match Job Class system which would be perfected in other, better games.- Trying to do anything at all is a complete crapshoot.
- Delita should have been the main character.
- Should have been Tactics Ogre.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Maverick Hunter X (Video Game Review)

Original Post Date: September 12, 2007

Due to things going on, it's going to be one more oldie repost this week. Tune in next week, however, for something new!



It's Mega Man X! The first one! Again! Yes, Capcom has gone back to its roots. Anyone who says "no, they did that with Powered Up" is going to make me really angry and I'll whine and cry and storm away and you'll be left going "What! What did I say?"

The entire game has been redone, although levels and enemies are mostly the same, all the sprites have been made into 3D models, and the backgrounds, while still flat, are now beautifully rendered. The game has also had lots of plot added, with cutscenes and boss speeches. And because I know it'll make the old fans like me happy, I'd like to report that gameplay has been left the same. Also, once you beat the game you unlock a short, 20 minute anime movie about X's days as a Maverick Hunter and Sigma's descent into maverickdom.

Also, Chill Penguin apparently has the voice box of Gilbert Gottfried. (Actually Dean Galloway, but it's pretty clear who he was trying to mimic.) First Iago and now Chill Penguin... why do all birds sound like this guy? I'm beginning to suspect something.

If there is one con to this game, it's that it's very short, not to mention easy. The original Mega Man X was actually also pretty easy as Mega Man games go, and this version is easier still, so you'll likely beat it pretty fast, especially if you played the original as much as I did.

Perhaps in the hope of remedying the easiness factor, Capcom took a page out of HAL's book on extending playability by adding Vile Mode, wherein you play as X's Boba Fett lookalike enemy, Vile. However, unlike Nightmare in Dream Land's Meta Knightmare Mode, Vile Mode actually has entirely new cutscenes, redesigned levels, and a revamped upgrade system that will make it actually worth playing through all the way.

Speaking of Vile Mode, anyone who still doubts the sexual orientation of anyone involved with this series and thinks one of two of them could be straight, will be shut up right quick when they get a look at the loving detail put into Vile's ass. It's not helped by Vile's stand animation having his back to the camera when facing right (opposed to X, who turns his back when facing left, which you rarely do), meaning you'll be seeing an awful lot of Vile's ass. Don't think I'm happy about that.

In all, Capcom actually did a damn good job on this remake. I know I give Capcom crap somethings; they can tend to lose sight of their goals and get lazy. (For example, look at the huge gap in quality between Mega Man X 4 and Mega Man X 6.) However, let it never be said that they are incapable of producing quality work. When they get it right, they get it right.


It's just too bad so much of their work went into VILE'S ASS.


GREAT

PROS:CONS:
+ Completely redesigned graphics actually look really nice.- A bit too short and a bit too easy.
+ Vile Mode- Vile's ass.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Television Review: Power Rangers S.P.D.


Super Sentai Equivalent: Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger (Special Investigations Team Detective Ranger, "deka" is a Japanization of "dick", the slang term for detective)

It's the not-too-distant future, Next Sunday A.D. The battle against illegal immigration has finally been lost and Earth has become a planet-wide sanctuary city for aliens who've basically just gone ahead and taken our own homeworld away from us. Earth for Earthlings, I say! Send the aliens back to Alpha Centauri!

But the future isn't all liberal Democrat fantasies. Evil Emperor Gruumm has come along with his vicious and quasi-loyal minions to conquer Earth for himself! The only hope of stopping him is Space Patrol Delta and their elite team of A Squad Power Rangers! ...who immediately go MIA in their first battle. So now it's time for the S.P.D. B Squad to step up and take the fight back to Emperor Gruumm!

As usual, I'll start with the good. S.P.D. does a lot to set up the future world established in Time Force. Space Patrol Delta, with their "take the villains in alive" policies, and their teams of Power Rangers feel like a worthy predecessor to the Time Force Patrol, and a successor to Lightspeed.

Also, the series starts off pretty strong, actually doing something new to the franchise. The first ten or so episodes play like a police procedural, with each episode involving the team investigating to track down alien criminals.

Unfortunately, that disappears pretty quick. As with Turbo and Time Force before it, the series totally wastes its premise. For the vast majority of the series it's just bog-standard Rangers Save The Day action, and unlike those other two series you can't blame Dekaranger for this one.

With Wild Force and Ninja Storm Disney stumbled their way into the franchise, struggling to figure out what to do with it. Dino Thunder proved that they could do it right and if they built on that it would be really great. Then this series... this series is where they gave up.

Disney brought in a new executive producer, Bruce Kalish, to take the franchise in a new direction. That direction: cheaper and faster. The writers were pushed to stop writing their own stories and start just adapting Super Sentai stories. The general thought process among the production crew, according to Kalish himself, was "why bother, it's just Power Rangers."

Worst of all, they shifted away from practical effects and choreographed martial arts, and came to rely heavily on wire-fu and the infamous "kalishplosions." What is a kalishplosion? Imagine, if you will, that you're an evil space monster. You want to kill the guy in front of you, so you shoot at him... but for some reason all you can manage to hit is the dirt, ten feet in front of him. For some reason, this causes a gigantic 50-foot fireball to erupt a good thirty feet BEHIND him.

That's a kalishplosion, named after the aforementioned Bruce Kalish. To be fair, Kalish didn't actually create this effect; nonsense explosions had been a thing from the beginning, and this particular variant was invented by Mark Harris for Ninja Storm. S.P.D. is where they really came into prominence, though, as dictated by Disney, allegedly as part of the company's frankly ridiculous anti-violence policy. Do you think putting the explosion 10 feet behind a character makes the fact that they got shot with an assault rifle no longer violent? If so, you might be an idiot!

I guess I also have to talk about the characters. If the effects are where the whole thing fell apart, the characters are where the pieces crumbled into ash and blew away in the wind. The Rangers are unlikable and whiny little snots. Look, I get it. They're teenagers with attitude, that's the entire point. I can't expect them to totally have their act together. The point is to watch them grow and mature, and yeah, they do get less insufferable by the end. Still, these kids are buttheads even by this franchise's standards, and it's especially weird since they're meant to be military cadets but I find it very hard to believe they could have made it through boot camp without washing out.

At least their commander, Anubis "Doggie" Cruger (guess what kind of alien he is!) is pretty cool, both as the commander and as the Shadow Ranger. And I guess the villains... well, they get the job done. They're not as bad as Divatox or King Mondo, but they're not great either.

The worst, however, is the Omega Ranger. How bad is he? Well, his civilian persona is a CGI energy ball because the producers didn't feel like hiring another actor. Alright, I'll admit that could have been cool, but they totally squandered it. They gave the character a bunch of "things." He's an energy being! But he used to be human! Also he's from the future! But just having a bunch of weird things doesn't automatically make a character interesting, especially when the list of things he DOESN'T have includes a personality, character development, a backstory... His backstory is literally just "I'm an energy being from the future who used to be human." We don't even know how or why he became an energy being. Freaking YAWN.

Oh well, at least it's bookended by a solid start and a decent finish.


BAD

PROS:CONS:
+ Takes good steps in setting up the future world of Time Force.- The Rangers are unlikable and whiny.
+ The first ten or so episodes are good, running like a police procedural.- The Omega Ranger squandered a neat idea.
- An overreliance on CGI, wire-fu, and kalishplosions.

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Unlimited SaGa (Video Game Review)

Originally Posted on June 24th, 2007

Now that I intend to turn this into a serious review blog, I'm going to be phasing out a lot of the old weird stuff. I'll be deleting the nonsense rants, and reviews that are good enough will be cleaned up and reposted, like this one.

Don't worry, you won't be too deluged with repetition. My current plan is, for each of the four blog posts you'll get in an average month, to make one repost, one Power Rangers, and two new posts.

Anyway, enjoy reliving this very old, very trashy game!



Anyone who's spent time around geeks quickly grows used to dealing with hyperbole. Rarely will a gamer describe a video game as being average. If they like it it's not good, it's TOTALLY AWESOME and likewise if they don't like it it's not bad, it's COMPLETE CRAP. The point is, geeks can be very critical when it comes to their hobbies, and this leads to a whole lot of "best" or "worst" games ever, a designation which is usually wholly undeserved.

Unlimited SaGa is not such a game. It truly is one of the worst games of all time.

Unfortunately, I can't really provide an accurate review of a whole lot of this game. The reason for this is because I've only played this game for about 5 minutes, 4 minutes of which was taken up by me trying to figure out how to get the game to WORK.

Like most SaGa games you start by selecting from between several main characters. Once that's done you go right into the gameplay! Sorta. You see, you can't actually move around in this game. You start on a map and you see talking heads of the characters for the story. Then you select an area to go to on the map... and then you select another area to go to! At that point you may or may not have another conversation, then you select another area!

When you finally do get into a battle you line up as usual...and then the true screwed up nature of this game is revealed. You see, the creators of this game wisely decided to take out all the tedium of actually trying to play the game. When you fight, all of the commands - attack, defend, special attack, etc. - are placed on a wheel which spins at high speeds. All you have to do is press a button to watch the wheel slowly grind to a halt. This is good because it means you feel no responsibility for failing and watching all of your characters die.


This system has me reeling! Eh? Eh?

The true question is, why do we even have this game? It's bad enough that this game was made, but what made them think we would want to play it? For years the Japanese had 3 more Final Fantasy games then we did, and they still have about 6 more Fire Emblems, 7 more Dragon Warriors, 3 more SaGas, and 2 more Earthbounds (or Mothers if you're a weeaboo nerd) than we do, and those are popular games that people love as evidenced by the massive number of Americans who import those games even though it means trying to play in a language they don't speak.

So why, if Japan keeps the GOOD games, do they send us this garbage? The obvious answer is that they hate us. For more evidence see every game Capcom has ever made. Well, at least they're still our only source for anime and Hello Kitty vibrators.


HORRIBLE


PROS:CONS:
+ 100% asbestos free.- 100% gameplay free.




Annotation from The Future:

I wasn't kidding about how long I played this game. I literally only played for about five minutes or so. I didn't even get my character out of the first town before I stopped playing. I know that as a reviewer that's probably not a good thing for me to say (Also, I do usually make a point of having more journalistic integrity than that these days. Usually.) but I'm gonna say it anyway just because I love the fact that even though I barely played it, people who did play the game still tell me I'm absolutely right about it. This game really sucks is what I'm saying.