Video Game Review: Windforge, Why Aren't You Good?!

Originally posted on October 18, 2014

With a game like this, a game that seems like it should be so good, it's difficult to tell from reviews alone whether or not it's worthwhile. I knew going in that the game had a lot of negative reviews, but it was impossible not to at least give it a try and I'll admit, I really, really wanted this game to be good. I mean, it just sounds like it should be awesome. It's basically like Terraria, a game I currently have nearly 2,000 hours of playtime in, with the ship-building mechanic from Space Engineers, and set in a richly detailed steampunk world of floating islands and flying sky whales. There's no way this isn't the greatest game ever made. Right?

Sadly, it's not the greatest game ever made. In fact, it's not a great game at all, or even a good game, or even a mediocre game. Windforge is a game which is fundamentally, fatally flawed. By way of explaining how, and because lists are easy to write, allow me to present to you The Top 3 Things Wrong With Windforge!

3. The Graphics
Here's the thing about the graphics: some of them actually look amazing. The flying whales and the krakens that live in the lower regions of the world, and the larger objects like the giant balloons and clocktowers, are all lovingly rendered. The watercolor background is pretty nice too. It's obvious that the developers really worked hard on the graphics. So what the Hell is up with this?

Click the picture for a larger image.
It looks blocky and awful, like my house is built from stacked up Lincoln Logs. This is because there's no blending or tiling with the graphics, which is weird because even Starbound and Terraria have that. Also, there's an awful lot of these blocks. In Terraria your character is three blocks tall, and in Starbound it's four. Here? Freaking eight! These blocks are tiny is what I'm getting at, which makes construction and destruction a massive chore.

What else makes construction a chore? The painfully bad attempt at 2.5D graphics. Everything is in this weird 3/4ths view which I'm sure the developers thought was just so cool, but really it just gets in the way. It's hard to know what block you're digging at with your jackhammer when you're mining, and it's hard to see what you're doing when you're building on a ship or a home base.

Also, what's with my furniture? Look at that. It looks like it's just painted onto the wall instead of actually sitting on the floor.

2. What Do These Numbers Mean?
I'll admit, math was never my big thing. I mean, I'm not completely stupid with numbers, but it never came as easy to me as other things. That said, what the hell do these numbers mean?

My ship weighs 524 widgets, but I have 1,389 whatsits worth of lift and 30,000 doodads worth of buoyancy! That's worth at least 100 million bananas!
My ship's mass is only 524, and I have 1,389 vertical thrust, so shouldn't I be able to move up and down fairly well? No, I can't. For that matter, why is my vertical thrust only 1,389? My three propellers provide a total thrust of 13,500 (4,500 x 3), so how is that counteracted so greatly by a mass of only 524? And shouldn't my buoyancy of 30,000 totally cancel out the mass issue anyway? Honestly, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I just knew what these numbers meant. Is my mass 524 kilograms? 524 tons? Who knows? The fact that there are no units given for these numbers just makes them all feel arbitrary.

And no, I'm not so stupid that I can't figure out adding a few extra propellers will let me move again, but I shouldn't have to guess at it. And if you DO want me to have to guess at it, then why bother giving me the numbers at all? It's not like they matter.

This issue doesn't only affect airships either. It's also a problem with armor, weapons, pretty much everything. Earlier in the game my character picked up a set of bronze full plate armor. I was excited because it gave her 30 more defense than my old set of leather-bronze bandit armor, so I put it on and went out to fight some people, and noticed that the bandits who were previously dealing 46 points of damage a shot with their pistols were now doing... 46 points of damage a shot. Seriously, what the Hell do these numbers mean?!

1. Movement
So, if I was designing a game about floating islands and airships, and I had to name what I thought would be the single most important aspect of the gameplay, the one thing that I absolutely had to make sure I didn't screw up no matter what, I would have to say that would be a good jumping mechanic. I mean, we're dealing with a game world where one missed jump means, at best, you fall and break your everything on the next floating island down, or at worst you fall all the way into the planet's core and burn to death. That's not a pleasant way to go.

That said, this game has what might just be the worst jumping algorithm of any game I've ever played. You move too fast, and it's too hard to control where you end up. Even walking is dangerous, as stepping off a slope means the jumping algorithm takes over and sends you rocketing over the nearest ledge straight to your death. I found that latching my grappling hook on to the ground was a necessary step whenever I was near a ledge, so that when I fell I would at least be able to stop myself.

Oh yeah, and let's talk about the grappling hook. I'll admit it's fun to swing around on and feel like I'm a steampunk Spiderman. Even so, the grappling hook isn't much better than anything else. It's too fiddly and too slow to fire, it never seems to connect when you need it to, or else it connects to the wrong thing. Even when it does connect right, it's too unpredictable; sometimes you just stop and hang there, and other times you spin around at high speed, usually straight into your airship's propellers.

That brings us to the last mode of movement: airships. Airship movement is... passable. It's a bit wonky sometimes itself, mostly due to inertia and the difficulty of making yourself come to a complete stop. (Seriously, Space Engineers had the inertial dampener system for a reason, Windforge developers.) Also, my ship felt like it had a weird desire to keep drifting upward which always made it very hard to dock properly. Of course, there's also the weirdness of the numbers which I mentioned before, where you always seem to have either not enough thrust so you can barely move, or else too much so you rocket across the map with a slightest touch of the buttons. It's a good thing repairs to your airship are free, because you will crash into things constantly.

KR Rating: [2] BAD

I find that the games I give a rating of 2 out of 5 are generally ambitious failures, and this is no exception. It's clear to me from the detailed nature of this game that the developer really wanted to do a good job. The artwork is great, aside from the afore-mentioned problems. The game world is very interesting and well thought out. (Seriously, just watch this video - this world is amazing.)

It's just a shame that the game they built around this concept is so poorly built. Like Dr. Frankenstein before him, the developer brought his creation to life as a shambling mess that can barely function and will probably end up being the death of us all - I know it's sure killed me more than a few times.

5 Reasons Nintendo Are The Kings Of Obnoxious Game Characters

Originally posted on November 4th, 2012

There's no denying that Nintendo have a lot of classic video game series and characters. Everyone knows Kirby and Zelda, and no matter how much you love Halo and Call of Duty if you have a heart there's got to be a place in it for the Mario brothers. Let's face it. Nintendo are the kings of gaming, no matter how much Microsoft and Sony may hate it.

Nintendo might also be the bridge-dwelling trolls of gaming, though, because all of their best games also include at least one extremely obnoxious character that seemingly exists only to piss you off. These are the five worst.

5. Navi, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Following in the footsteps of the massively popular Super Mario 64, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time helped to popularize the 3-D action/adventure game genre. Even standing on its own, however, it's no exaggeration to say that Ocarina is one of, if not the best game in the Zelda franchise. The story and gameplay still hold up well even today, and the game also cemented main character Link's place as an icon of the homosexual community, for some reason.

This brings us to Navi, Link's fairy companion in the game. It was Navi's job to buzz around your head and help you out occasionally, whether by explaining things you might not have understood, or by pointing out items and characters that are far away or easy to miss. She also had the job of reminding you what storyline quest you were supposed to be doing, in case you forgot, and this is where her usefulness completely broke down.

If, like most people, you were content to spend your time scouring the world for heart containers, rupees, and collectables, you would be interrupted every half an hour or so by your fairy dive-bombing your head and screaming in a high-pitched, annoying baby voice: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey!"

Yes, Navi. We all know we're supposed to be going to fight the evil villain. We don't care. Shut the Hell up.

4. Tingle, Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
The direct sequel to Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask sent Link, as a child, to an alternate dimension to stop an evil mask and prevent the moon from crashing into the world. It also released Navi from her duty as Link's helper, but don't think that means the game was without an obnoxious character. Mask introduced us to Tingle, a creepy, effeminate goon who wants to be a fairy.

Tingle was a horrid abomination in form-fitting spandex made for someone 50 pounds lighter. He ended every conversation with his annoying catchphrase, "Tingle! Tingle! Kooloo-Limpah!" You couldn't even ignore him because he was the only way to get the maps you needed to find your way around in the game. Even worse, unlike Navi he's still a recurring character in the series. Worse than all of the above, though, is that as a middle-aged man obsessed with fantasy and adventure, Tingle is the creepy, awkward guy all geeks are secretly terrified of becoming.

3. Baby Mario, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
If I have to explain to you why Yoshi's Island was awesome, then you obviously never played it. Go do that now. I'll wait. By which I mean I won't wait, but since this is text you can just go ahead and play it, then come back and finish reading later.

For those of you who were too lazy to play it when I told you to, this game takes place while the famous Mario is still a baby. His future arch-nemesis, Bowser (also a baby) kidnaps his brother, Luigi, in an attempt to stop a prophecy that they would ruin his future empire. You play as a series of multi-colored dinosaurs who carry baby Mario on a quest to defeat the baby Bowser, thus allowing baby Mario and baby Luigi to save the world in the future. Because Japan is weird like that.

Weirdness aside, Yoshi's Island is still the second best game in the Mario series, just above Super Mario World but just below Super Mario 64. The problem is baby Mario himself. Did you know that humans have a biological predisposition toward hating the sound of a baby screaming? Of course you did, and you now know why everyone who has played this game despises the little brat. Okay, so he only cries when you drop him (ie. when you get hit) and the annoying sound encourages you to get him back quickly, but that doesn't make it any better...especially when the bubble he floats in randomly decides to float just out of your reach, as it loves to do.

It gets to a point where your yoshi's death comes as a welcome release from the ungodly shrieking of the little vomitpile. If you've ever heard a hack comedian joke that babies are cute to prevent us from killing them, this is why.

2. Joey, Pokémon: Gold/Silver Versions and HeartGold/SoulSilver Versions
You know how the upcoming Pokémon: Black/White 2 is being heralded as the first direct sequel in the franchise? Well, punch anyone who says that in the nose, because it's not true. The first direct sequel was also the second regular series game: Gold/Silver. G/S is the perfect example of a sequel done right. It expands upon the original while still being its own thing. Also, spoiler alert: you get to fight your character from the first game and he is harder to defeat than God. (That's not a joke. In the Pokémon universe the supreme being and creator of the world is a pokémon named Arceus and yes, you can catch Him.)

G/S also introduced the Pokégear. It was a combination cell phone, map, radio, and clock - basically a smart phone from before anyone knew what a smart phone was. One of the cool things about the Pokégear was that you could store the phone numbers of certain NPCs you met along your journey and later if they had something good for you - sometimes an item, sometimes a rematch with high level pokémon - they would call you and let you know.

Unfortunately, while G/S might have predicted the smart phone they also predicted the obnoxious text messager. What I didn't mention was that the NPCs you stored in your phone would also message you just to talk sometimes, and never about anything worthwhile.

The worst offender of all was Youngster Joey. He was one of the first trainers you fought and the third phone number you got (after your mother and Professor Elm). He had only one pokémon, a purple vendor trash rat, and he would message you constantly to tell you how wonderful it was. Part of his annoyance was that you got his number so early, but even in the late game he was still the most common person to call you.

And that's how a random 7 year old boy inspired me to destroy the world. Don't worry, though. My Ho-oh only burns to death obnoxious text messagers. That doesn't describe you...DOES IT?!

1. The Dog That Mocks You, Duck Hunt
The infamous Duck Hunt Dog was the one that started it all and is still the quintessential annoying video game character. For those of you who are too young to remember the game, Duck Hunt was a light gun shooter game for the NES. It required the use of the Zapper, a pistol-shaped controller with a spring-loaded trigger that made a loud "SPANG!" sound whenever you pulled it, so that was pretty obnoxious.

Regardless, it was incredible for the time. Oh, sure, it's old technology now that we have the Wii and the Kinect and the PlayStationMove. And sure, light gun technology had already been around for about 50 years from the first light gun toy (Seeburg's Ray-O-Lite machine) in 1936 to Duck Hunt's release in 1984. Oh, and yes, it's also true that Duck Hunt wasn't even the first NES game to use the Zapper. That honor belongs to the more obscure Wild Gunman. The point is, shut up. It was considered awesome and groundbreaking for the time, no matter how stupid that is.

Anyway, when you started the game your trusty hunting dog would jump into the bushes to scare out the ducks, which would then fly around the screen for a while before fleeing. You had to shoot them before they got away, at which point you scored some points and your dog would appear to hold up the ducks you caught.

...unless you didn't manage to shoot any. If that happened then your dog would instead pop up sporting a shit-eating grin and laugh at you. It was the ultimate insult. You failed at your goal and you're already feeling bad about that, then your only ally in the game betrays you and humiliates you even further.

It's not even like it happened because you suck. As the game goes on the ducks get faster until there's no way you could hit them. Couple that with the inaccuracy of those stupid light gun controllers and you end up with a game that forces you to fail and then humiliates you for it.

Why? Because Nintendo are dicks, that's why.

Power Rangers Mystic Force

Super Sentai Equivalent: Mahou Sentai Magiranger (Magic Team Magi Ranger)

In a world where Lord of the Rings is a hot new property and Pottermania is in full swing, one soulless megacorporation will stop at nothing to cash in on the fantasy trend!

Meanwhile, in the city of Briarwood, a great evil is emerging. In the nearby mystic forest the dreaded Morticon is rallying his armies of the undead, preparing to emerge from his dark pit and wage war upon the world of men. The only hope of stopping him is five warriors of prophecy, humans who will take on the power of magic to become Mystic Force Power Rangers!

Going in, I honestly didn't expect a lot from Mystic Force. It's still executive produced by the much-maligned Bruce Kalish, plus it's heavily focused on magic which I assumed meant less cool martial arts. Well, the first of those two things is more or less true. Kalish' taint is all over this series; the story is basically unchanged from Magiranger, and bad CGI and kalishplosions are everywhere.

That said, no, Mystic Force is pretty solid. The focus on magic didn't have any real negative impact on the Rangers' ability to be kickass martial artists. The Rangers are all likeable and the writing is pretty enjoyable. There's also a memorable reappearance from Rita Repulsa near the end of the series. In all, this is definitely one of my Top 5 Rangers series and in my Top 5 Ranger teams too.

And the villains? Well...

Let me be real for a moment. Look, we all know the villains are going to lose in the end. That's not to say there aren't works that let the villain win, or that the story can't still be good in spite of that... just, let's face it: Power Rangers is not Chinatown. The villains are going to lose, and we want them to.

That said, even if we know the villains are going to lose in the end, if they always lose at every single tiny thing they try to do, that's a problem. It makes them look incompetent, and when they're incompetent it makes it hard to feel threatened by them or to care about what they do. That was one of the major things that hurt Dino Thunder and S.P.D. - the villains never won, not even small or temporary victories. "Oh, look, Zeltrax has a plan to destroy the Rangers. I'm sure this time it totally won't end with him retreating after taking a single--wait, he's already run away? Shocker."

On this front I'm glad to say: Mystic force does it right. The villains get their small victories, and that makes the Rangers' bigger victories more satisfying. The villains also manage to be fairly interesting... some of them, anyway. There are still plenty who are just your typical mindlessly evil monsters, but they're mostly pretty cool.

I've also heard complaints about Mystic Force giving too much focus to the Red Ranger compared to the others... and while I guess that's sort of true I also really didn't even notice... maybe because giving all the cool plots and powers to Red Ranger is something EVERY series of Power Rangers EVER has done.

KR Rating: [4] GOOD

PROS:	CONS:
+ Pretty decent action, usually.	- Plays it safe with the source material.
+ Villains are actually threatening, get their small victories.	- Still an overreliance on bad CGI and kalishplosions.
+ The Rangers are pretty good too.	- Go away, Bruce Kalish!