Saturday, July 28, 2007

Top 5 List: Top 5 Catchphrases That Need To Die.

5. "The problems of the future, today!"
I have to state the obvious, of course, that the phrase this comes from, "the innovations of the future, today" is nonsense. If it's here today then it's the innovation of today. That just makes this phrase worse. I'll admit that the first time I heard this I thought it was kinda clever. The problem? According to Google, so did 15,800 other people. It's not funny anymore, guys. You killed it. To death.

4. "It's over NINE THOUSAAAAND!"
Yes, I think Dragonball is retarded too. No, that doesn't make it awesome. This was funny to make fun of for a while. But then those bastards that I call "people" came along. First there were the 500 different cuts on YouTube. Then there were the music videos. Then the montages. Then the parodies. Then the parodies of the parodies. Then the parodies of the parodies of the parodies. File this one with "All Your Base" and anything ever said in a Monty Python movie ever. They'll all be Exhibit A in the Case of Hell Really is Other People.

3. "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!"
File this one with "Aeris dies," because it goes for that phrase too and all phrases like it. It started out as a spoiler shouted out to piss off hardcore fans, long after the point when hardcore fans could concievably not know about it. Then people started using it as a catchphrase. Why? God only knows. Or the devil, since he's most likely the one behind it. I don't think anyone ever thought it was really cool or funny or even that irritating, honestly. It's just kinda dumb.

2. "Worst. _____. EVER!"
We get it! You watch the Simpsons and you think something sucks! SHUTUP!

1. "You know what happens to a ___ that gets hit by ___? Same as everything else!"
The first time I heard this was in the X-Men movie and I had to think about it for about five minutes before I got what they were trying to say. That's how lame this phrase is. It's so lame, it made me feel like I did something wrong. After I figured it out I spent the next five minutes trying to figure out what imbecile thought this phrase was awesome. It was bad enough when it was just one line in a stupid movie. But then I saw it in Bob and George. And then I saw it in an RPG. And then I saw one of my "friends" quoting it out of context. And that's when I killed him, your honor.

On a side note, in the movie Storm says this when she blows up the Toad with a lightning bolt. But don't the X-Men have a code against killing? I'm pretty sure they do. And I'm pretty sure blasting someone with lightning and blowing them off the top of a skyscraper-sized statue is lethal, frog powers or no.



Annotation From The Future:

The true stupidity of number 1 really comes out if you know the backstory behind it. It turns out in the original script for X-Men the joke in question was actually built up throughout the movie. The character of The Toad would constantly brag about how amazing toads were and how his powers made him superior to everyone else. He would jump across a room and shout "A toad can LEAP!" In that context Storm's zinger made sense: a toad might be an impressive animal but in the end they react to lightning bolts the same way everything else does. It's not particularly humorous, but it does make sense nonetheless.

Somewhere along the way Toad's constant bragging about how cool toads are got cut (most likely because it would have been @#%$ing obnoxious), but the punchline that his bragging was setting up got left in. Without that added context the result is a nonsensical line that makes Storm sound like a gibbering moron.

Allow me to put it another way: when you get off of your plane, walk into the propellers! Hahahaha! Who needs setup with a punchline like that?

(If you're curious, the setup was "How do you prevent the casinos in Las Vegas from taking all your money?")

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Television Review: Who Wants to Humilate Themselves on National TV?

It's just a week or so from the beginning of the second season of Who Wants To Be A Superhero, so I thought I'd give my thoughts on this year's picks.

The Defuser
He has darkvision 60' and light blindness. He's an albino drow. Read that bit about how he loves non-lethal weaponry and refuses to use firearms. Clearly he took Stan Lee's denouncement of Iron Enforcer a little too seriously.

Ms. Limelight
The bastard daughter of Cell Phone Girl and Feedback. She has all of the best abilities of all of Hollywood's action stars, which basically means she can do anything as long as it's A. required by the plot and B. badass and preferably followed by a snappy one-liner. Her weakness is that she has weak legs. As the show's website says "If someone tells her to "break a leg," it really breaks!" So in other words, she's exactly as powerful as any normal movie star but with a horribly debilitating, easily discovered weakness? Lame.

Hyper-Strike
Dear Hyper-Strike: you're auditioning for Stan Lee, not Akira Toriyama. Cut down on the anime stuff. Not that I don't like anime, but there's a time and a place for everything. Including cannibalism.

His weakness is that he needs nine hours of sleep every night, which is one hour more than what normal people need. That's barely an annoyance.

Whip-Snap
Her weakness is that she loses all her powers if the temperature goes below 65 degrees. Maybe no one ever told her this, but the average temperature in about eighty percent of the planet is at or below 65 degrees. Unless she fights crime exclusively in Death Valley she's pretty much fucked.

Mindset
He's a hero from the future who is impervious to modern weapons and has telekinesis, but his body is weak, fat, and susceptible to disease. I kinda like this, because it's actually probably fairly close to what humans will be like thousands of years from now: mentally evolved but weak and fat from never doing anything for ourselves and just using our mind powers to get ourselves cheeseburgers. Does that mean he'd make a good superhero? No. Superheroes aren't supposed to be realistic. That's why they're super.

Basura

God, if you exist, let me get through this without busting a vein. She's aided by and can communicate with bugs and her special power is...turning trash into treasure. So basically her power is that she's homeless. Also, she's hindered by the fact that she loses things and her bugs like to fuck. And her palms sweat. First Hyper-Strike and now Basura? Jesus, people.

Mr. Mitzvah
God, if you exist, why do you let people mock you so? This guy's similar to the gay guy from last year, except he's jewish. The major difference is he's "because" instead of "and." Let me explain. See, the gay guy was a superhero AND he was gay, thus providing a positive model to show gays can be cool. This guy is a superhero BECAUSE he's jewish. Being jewish is his only character trait, thus making him exactly like all the other annoying jewish stereotypes in movies you've come to hate over the years.

Braid
Her hair does stuff and if it gets cut off she loses her powers. But Millia Rage is cooler and Samson had better super powers. That's two heroes who already have this gimmick and did it way better and I could probably come up with more. The fact that her nemesis comes from a galaxy called "Damn Nation" is slightly funny though, and is just punny enough to be really comic-book-ish, though it's not PG enough.


Parthenon
He's like...a guy...who has an Atlantean armband...that uses magical rocks to give him powers. This is really painful folks. Is it just me or do all of this year's picks seem way dumber than last year? Also, doesn't Wonder Woman already have a similar superpower and do it way better?

Hygena
She's this season's Fat Momma, I think. She cleans stuff. And she has a magical pearl necklace...and her clean bombs knock people out...and.... AUGkj;jllllllllllllllllllll

Monday, July 16, 2007

Soap Review: Soap, the newest cult phenom. I wish I was joking.

I've been visiting with my mom and her new husband and I went down to take a shower. I decided to take a look for the first time at the bottle of shower gel they have in there and low and behold I found the latest cult sensation, and I don't mean cult as in pop culture.

That's right, folks, I'm here to tell you about the new, the improved, the amazing, non-animal-tested, Oregon Tilth certified organic*, 18-in-1 Hemp PEPPERMINT PURE-CASTILE SOAP from Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps. Also, the number 1 ingredient is listed as water so so much for purity, jackasses.

*Fun fact. The FDA has never released an official classification for organic or natural products, so this means about as much as if they'd said "Wom-bom-booie space god love you long time!"

But wait, there's more! The entire bottle is covered with inspirational/creepy (select one) quotes from...someone unattributed. Here's an example from the usage instructions.

"Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner's 'Magic Soap' to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting One! All-One! Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! For facial packs, scalp & soothing body rub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face and scalp. Massage with fingertips. Repeat 3 or 4 times 'til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again. Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh and clean, saving 90% of your hot water & soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For we're ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE!


It's clearly written by people who don't speak english, but more importantly it's clearly written by lunatics. Here's another quote.

Einstein, 1939, after Nazis & Commies united, proposed spacebombs that destroy all, unless we finally teach the Moral ABC's the real Rabbi Hillel taught Jesus to unite all in All-One-God-Faith. As teachastronomers Abraham-Israel-Moses-Buddha-Hillel-Jesus-Spinoza-Paine-Sagan & Mohammed, inspired every 75 years 6000 years by the Messenger of God's Law, Halley's Comet: "WE ARE ALL ONE OR NONE!" "THERE IS NO GOD BUT GOD!" "TEACH LOVE THY ENEMY!" "LISTEN CHILDREN ETERNAL FATHER ETERNALLY ONE!" Israel-Moses-Buddha-Jesus-Mohammed: ONE! ALL-ONE!


Now, I'm too lazy to check if their thing about Einstein is factually accurate. What concerns me more is the fact that all nutcases are apparently legally obligated to speak only in bad refrigerator poetry. It must be the fault of the One World Earpiece Control Frankenstein Communist Computer God.

Lateron we come across a sticker that promises "FOR ALL MAJOR INGREDIENTS WE ARE GOING FAIR TRADE". It might sound oddly noble of what is apparently the last survivor of Heaven's Gate to have "95+% of Our Agricultural Volume Benefiting Farming Families and Communities in the Developing World" until you remember that what this actually means is "we're outsourcing your jobs to ten year olds in Indonesia who we chain to a bench for twelve hours a day where they can choke on the toxic fumes of our soaps, and if they survive we give them a quarter.

Fortunately none of it matters. As we all know, Dr. Bronner will be banished from Heaven for using magic in his Magic Soaps, to stand outside the gates with the dogs and sorcerors. It's all in Revelation, look it up some time.

Also, despite its magical properties and creepy cult message, Dr. Bronner's soap is still to be kept out of eyes, and if the cap becomes clogged you should poke it clear only and not squeeze. If you manage to get the miracle of All-One-God-Faith in your eyes, you should flush them well with water for fifteen minutes and and consult a physician if irritation persists.

All in good fun, Doctor. I'd like to just end this still mean, but I can't, and not just out of a respect for the dead and a fear of being sued by his family and/or melted by their creepy cult magic. But also because, while he (or whoever wrote this bottle) is clearly insane I do agree with the basic message that we as a race need to stop fighting each other and unify. That said, could someone tell me what a teachastronomer is?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Video Game Review: Sinners welcome. Does that include bad game designers?

Saint's Row. I know it looks like just another Grand Theft Auto ripoff, but you should never judge a book by its cover. It is in fact a Grand Theft Auto ripoff after recieving a concentrated dose of white. Not that I don't find it amusing to hit a thugged out rival gangster's car and hear him whine nasally "Oh man, my mommy's gonna kill me!" I just kind of doubt the street cred of a gang that chooses an especially girlish shade of purple as their color.

The entire message of the game is anti-gangstah. Your gang, the Saints, are out to bring peace to the city streets by blowing shit up with rocket launchers and machine guns. Also, by pimpin' out hos. It's all a very complex plan, you see. As you ride on whiny white kids and hos tell you about the importance of staying in school you'll meet such hardcore characters as the gang leader who doesn't like killing and the hardened street bitch who instantly backs down when accused of being a ho.

That said, Saint's Row is almost worth checking out for the fact that it's just one of those games that is so stupid it goes all the way around the bend and becomes fucking awesome. The characters are nutjobs, of course, but the best part is that everyone in this city is apparently insane, possessed of no sense of self-preservation whatsoever, or more likely both. As pedestrians hurl themselves in front of your car the other drivers will suddenly start swerving for no reason and taking out lamp posts. Then a cop drives his squad car into some random woman and jumps out and starts beating her to death with his baton. And then rival gang members show up and shoot everyone. You'll be laughing your ass off even as your car blows up and sends you to a fiery grave.

So maybe the characters and plot are stupid, and maybe the programming is so bad that 15 car pile-ups happen every five seconds. But if it wasn't that way, this would be just another boring clone. So is it really that bad? I mean, the answer is obviously yes, but still I have to ask, is it? ...yes.




KR Rating (From the Future): [2] BAD

The first Saint's Row was what you might call "so bad it's good." Yes, it was stupid, but it was that stupidity that was what we all loved about it, yes even myself. The second game decided to capitalize on this, turning everything up to 11, with minigames where you spray sewage onto your enemies' houses, throw yourself in front of cars, and generally act like a hellion. The result was a game world that made Grand Theft Auto look subtle by comparison. Four years later and here I am, actually looking forward to Saint's Row: The Third, the sequel to a game I once panned.

That said, make no mistake: Saint's Row was a bad, bad game.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Commercial Review: Truth Found

This just in! According to a recently discovered memo from a big tobacco company, tobacco companies chose to uphold their legal obligation to stockholders to keep profits up by not itnentionally sabotaging themselves. Now can anyone tell us why this commercial isn't stupid?

In other news, if you don't drive a Scion, you are a boring sheep person. If you do drive a Scion you are a hideous demon-spawned murderous abomination unto the eyes of the lord. I think the new "Little Deviants" commercials are supposed to be a wacky and humorous jest at how they're shaking up the auto industry. Sorry, guys, but you went a little too far into creepy and lost your message.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Holiday Review: George Washington would shove an M80 up your ass for freedom, bitch.

It's the fourth of July! That wonderful day when we prove once again that America does not deserve to be free from Britain. Come on, people. How pussy of a country are we when we celebrate our nation's independance with a tiny black rock that when you light it it grows a little bit? And don't try to tell me it's symbolic. It's still lame. And oh, sure, there's the big, city-sponsored fireworks. Fireworks which are launched in a cordoned off area 500 yards from anything and chaperoned by a dozen trucks worth of firemen and if the tiniest cinder lands within 50 feet of a human being they close down the whole show and treat the person for severe psychological trauma.

What happened? When I was a kid I remember launching off bottle rockets every night for a week when July came around. One time me and my brother lit an M80 and stuck it in a hole we thought was our street's gas line. Because we were perfectly willing to annihilate our entire city in the name of democracy. Nowadays only shitty spark fountains are legal in my state. And they've added insult to injury by inventing something called the "Rocket Fountain." It looks like a bottle rocket and even says "Rocket" right on the side but it turns out it's just a fountain on a stick. Only a few states still allow good fireworks and those are trying harder and harder to pass laws banning them.

I call for a nationwide boycott of the Fourth of July. Employers, don't give your employees the day off anymore. Everyone, don't buy fireworks. Don't watch fireworks. Take what you have of this day after getting off work to write your congressman and tell him how much his pussy laws suck. Everyone in America should boycott this pussy ass holiday until it starts being badass again.




Annotation from The Future:

Whenever I start to think that this world can't possibly disappoint me any more than it already does, someone comes along and lowers the bar. Just like critics of American Idol never foresaw Jersey Shore or The Hills, so too did I never foresee some of the terrible "fireworks" they've got now.

Allow me to introduce you all to...the California Candle! Just as the Rocket Fountain dashed all of our hopes and dreams by making what looked like a kickass bottle rocket into a pathetic fountain, so too does the California Candle get our hopes up with what looks like a Roman Candle, but is actually a glorified sparkler.

As for the name, I sincerely hope that the satirical implications were intentional, because it's funny as Hell.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Video Game Review: A big Sonic Gems Collection review, to make up for my not updating.

I should probably point out before we begin that I never much cared for the Sonic the Hedgehog games. Hear me out now. Sonic's main gimmick is speed and so most of the levels in his games are designed with a fast-paced run-through-the-level-as-fast-as-you-can style in mind. But at the same time the placement of the traps and enemies seems to be intended more to PUNISH you for running through the stage quickly. There's nothing like running through a series of cool corkscrew turns and loop-the-loops only to smack into a wall of spikes and die to really make your day.

But despite my baseless hatred of a much beloved franchise Sonic is still Sega's mascot. The problem with being a company mascot, though, is that they can shove you into any number of games and no one will complain. (It's the same logic that created Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix.) Sonic Gems Collection is an anthology of such games: games that for one reason or another never became very popular and eventually faded into obscurity.

But what Sega forgot is that when a game becomes obscure it's usually for one of a few reasons: it wasn't marketed well, it was a limited release, or it totally sucked ass. Unfortunately, for most of the games on this anthology it's the latter. These games are for the most part of such a low level of quality that you won't even want to play them at all, much less for the seven hours required to unlock Vectorman and Vectorman 2 which, let's face it, are probably the main reason most people bought this anthology. And that's no good.

Annotation from The Future:

Hey, guys! Lately I've been adding annotations from the future, as you may have seen. For this review, though, it's far too big to just do one at the end like usual. Instead I'll add annotations after each game's entry to talk about that game. To prevent clutter, I've decided to forgo the usual "annotation from the future" tag and instead make them blue.


Sonic the Fighters
Sonic the Fighters is a fighting game starring Sonic the Hedgehog. I know, I was shocked too. There's some kind of lame plot involving Robotnik doing evil things or something like that and because of that all of the Sonic characters have to beat each other up. The plot sucks but to be fair, so does the game. After spending an hour fighting your way through this boring game you'll die against the totally cheap Metal Sonic and since the creators were nice enough not to include any manner of continue system at all you will have to do it all over again.

There's actually an interesting story behind this game. Apparently a designer at Sega AM2 was working on a fighting game called Fighting Vipers when he got bored one day at work and decided to put Sonic and Tails into the game as a joke. Though they were later removed, his coworkers and bosses loved it so much they decided to make an official Sonic fighting game.

Honestly, I gave this game crap but it's really not that horrible. That said, don't get me wrong. It is bad. This is a PS2-era game, but feels like something from the Nintendo 64. The characters do at least have different play styles and moves, but they're just too sluggish. Of course, as I mentioned, the biggest flaw is that there are no continues.

KR Rating: [2] BAD


Sonic CD
Sonic CD is actually an okay game and is in fact one of the few games on this anthology I feel sorry for. You see, most of the other games on this anthology had reasons for dying in obscurity: they were crappy, they were just remakes for the Game Gear and not original games, or they were never really intended to be that big in the first place (for example, the two Tails games).

Sonic CD, however, doesn't deserve to be here. The time-period-switching mechanism provides an interesting touch and this game also features the very first appearance of the current Metal Sonic. You can tell Sega really tried on this game and as Sonic games go it's not that bad. Honestly, the only reason Sonic CD became so unknown is because it was made for the Sega CD.

I've heard bad things about Sonic CD, but honestly, it doesn't deserve any of them. To be honest, I didn't care for it, but only because -as I mentioned in the opening segment- I'm not a big fan of Sonic games. I recognize that this is a good game, and so have other reviewers.

Gamepro listed it as the 12th best platformer made between 1989 and 2009. To be fair, though, they put it above New Super Mario Bros, so clearly they're madmen. There's also the fact that EGM rated Sonic CD the best game of the Sega Mega-CD according to Wikipedia. Granted, calling something the "best game for Sega CD" is a lot like saying you have the "least painful gaping head wound." Still, that's something, right?

KR Rating: [4] GOOD


Sonic R
It's another racing game with Sonic! Well, I shouldn't say another, since we haven't gone over Sonic Drift yet. Unlike that Mario Kart wannabe, though, this is a foot race. Between the well-rendered tracks and decent play style, this is an excellent game. You know, I mean aside from the shitty controls, complete lack of any unlockables, and the fact that it is totally NOT an excellent or even GOOD game in any way, shape, or form.

Sonic R is a strange game. There's nothing particularly wrong with it. The controls aren't as bad as I said they were, the tracks and characters look nice, and the gameplay at least offers something new, even if it does handle a lot like Mario Kart 64.

The main problem is that it just gets so dull so quick. There's nothing to unlock, and while the tracks may look nice they all feel basically the same when you're running on them. The game isn't bad, it just gets old so fast.

KR Rating: [3] MEDIOCRE


Sonic the Hedgehog 2
No, it's not, Sega. I don't mean that it's just a port to the Game Gear, I mean it's not even the same game. The levels are all different, bosses are all different, and the plot isn't the same either. It's not even as good. Or beatable. Does anyone actually know anyone first hand who has gotten past the first level? That's a real question.

I'm still not joking. I remember playing this on a friend's Game Gear as a kid and getting stuck on the boss of the first level. Unlike most other games that seemed hard when I was little, this one did not get easier as an adult playing it on this collection. I am absolutely serious. If you made it past level 1 without cheating then congratulations, you don't exist!

KR Rating: [3] MEDIOCRE


Sonic Spinball
When I ask people what they liked best about Sonic 2, and I do, I always get the same response: the fact that Sonic and Tails are both naked. But when I ask what they liked second best they usually say they liked the pinball segments in Casino Night Zone. In fact, the pinball segments were so popular that Sega eventually released an entire game based solely around them.

What Sega didn't realize is that the pinball segments are only fun for a few minutes, then you get bored and want to go on and finish the level. Unfortunately, Spinball doesn't change that fact a whole lot. Although they did add more stuff Spinball will still get tedious after only a few minutes.

That being said, this is not Sonic Spinball. No, like Sonic the Hedgehog 2 before it, this is merely a crappier remake which was ported to the Game Gear. That means someone took the worst idea ever and made it even worse. That's gotta be worth some kind of Nobel Crap Prize.

Aside from beginning and ending on jokes I'm pretty sure I stole from Seanbaby, this one is still totally true. Game Gear Spinball may not have gotten anyone fired, but it god damn should have.

KR Rating: [1] HORRIBLE


Sonic the Hedgehog Triple Trouble
It's Sonic the Hedgehog 3, only ported to the Game Gear and injected with a concentrated shot of purified suck. Why did you keep on doing this, Sega? I'd tell you more about this game but I find it difficult to give a rat's ass about something so imbecilic.

Games like this are why I feel like Sega is the Apple to Nintendo's Microsoft. Sega was better than the competition from a techological standpoint, but they had no idea what to do with their technology. Sure, the Gameboy looked like crap with its monochrome screen that wasn't even lighted, but it had classic games like Pokémon Red/Blue and Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins.

Meanwhile, Sega had the superior system in the Game Gear, but wasted it. They spent all their time porting over Genesis games instead of making new ones, not once realizing that the technical limitations of a handheld meant those games would invariably have to be WORSE than the originals...and they were.

KR Rating: [2] BAD


Sonic Drift 2
Sonic Drift 2 is a racing game starring characters from the Sonic universe...using go-karts. Let me say that again because I don't think you're getting the full effect. Sonic Drift 2 stars Sonic the Hedgehog IN A GO-KART. The dude can run faster than the speed of sound. What the HELL does he need a go-kart for?

But the fact that this game was clearly designed solely to compete with Mario Kart could almost be forgivable except that this game isn't nearly as fun as Mario Kart. The track is devoid of anything interesting and none of the characters have any interesting abilities they can use either. Plus the game is designed so you can only see the part of the track you're on, nothing ahead or behind, so by the time you see a turn you're already off the road and kicking up dirt.

Just to really make your brain explode, think about this: this game is a sequel. That means not only did someone have the idea for this game, they had that idiot idea TWICE. And both times there was no one in the room willing to smack them in the back of the head and call them a dumbass.

To REALLY really make your brain explode, think about this: this stupid idea actually got made THREE times as of 2010, when Sega released Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing.

KR Rating: UP YOURS


Tails' Skypatrol
Tails' Skypatrol is a game starring Sonic's vulpine sidekick Tails. I must admit I don't know a whole lot about this game because the digital manual included on the anthology is completely in Japanese but I do know that it apparently involves witches that ride mine carts and freakishly hideous rabbit things riding giant carrots that blow kisses at you. Seriously, folks, there's a reason this game was never imported to the United States: it's because it's fucking insane. In fact, I used this game in my award winning thesis "101 Reasons Why Japan Should Be A-Bombed Off the Face of the Earth." But don't listen to me. I'm just mad because I couldn't get past the yellow spinning walls in the first level.

I ended up looking up a translation of this game's manual. Knowing what it says makes me feel like I could do better at the game today, but it does nothing to make the character designs less horrible. Also, seriously, eff those stupid yellow spinning walls.

KR Rating: [2] BAD


Tails Adventures
Tails Adventures, like Tails' Skypatrol, stars Sonic's sidekick Tails on his own. Unlike Skypatrol, however, Tails Adventures is a plaform game and doesn't completely suck ass. In it, Tails is spending his vacation on a small island he's named "Tails Island" when the island is suddenly attacked by robot birds. Who are the birds? What do they want? This is a Sonic game, you numbskull. There's no plot.

Tails Adventures is actually a fairly decent game and is one of the few games on this anthology that I consider worth playing. The storyline is light but the gameplay is fun, being based more on thinking and using your gadgets then on fact-paced running through the level. But then again, I always liked Tails better than Sonic anyway, which could be my main reason for liking this game so much. I'm not quite sure what it says about me that even as a child I liked the cute, nerdy fox boy better than the rad to the max blue hedgehog. Regardless, what's most important is that this game's existance along with Skypatrol means that Tails got two video games before Mario's sidekick Luigi even got one. (I'm not counting Mario is Missing.) No wonder the green plumber is so angry.

Back on the topic of how much I loathe Japan, the complaint I had about the story? Only an issue in the western version, apparently. In the Japanese version the story takes place before Tails met Sonic, meaning Tails was actually a hero before meeting his idol, and not just a sidekick. Apparently Japan thought Americans wouldn't "get" the idea of a sidekick having his own life. Basically what I'm saying is that Japan is like Joss Whedon: they make awesome stuff, but they just make it so hard to like them.

KR Rating: [4] GOOD


Vectorman
If you can stand playing this massive tribute to Sega's greatest failures for seven hours - or if you have a Sonic Mega Collection save on your memory card - you can unlock the only game that makes this anthology worth shelling out the money for: Vectorman.

I know most people probably won't believe me when I say that so let me tell you a little bit about this game. Developed by Blue Sky Software and published by Sega, Vectorman is famous among gamers and graphics designers for having near PSX quality graphics on the Sega Genesis, a 16 bit console. Don't believe me? Play this game then go play Megaman X4 for the PSX. It's not quite the same level of graphics but it's damn close.

Now, far be it for me to praise a game solely for graphics, even if it was the best looking game of its day and for many days to come. Did I forget to mention that Vectorman is also a game starring a break dancing robot made of floating spheres that can turn into an atomic bomb AND the final boss battle is a disco dancing competition against the evil arch-enemy? If that's not the definition of COOLEST DAMN GAME EVER then nothing is.

All things considered, Vectorman is the greatest game of the Sega Genesis and quite possibly one of the greatest games of all time. The fact that it's on an anthology alongside such horrible trash as Sonic Drift 2 and Tails' Skypatrol is an insult beyond measure. The fact that it was only even included just to get people to buy this load of crap only makes the insult far worse. I suppose I should just be glad that I get to play it again but unfortunately I'm not that non-spiteful.

The world isn't fair. Here I am, posting on a blog that is regularly read by maybe five people. As of this writing I have 7,930 pageviews total, for all of my posts ever. Meanwhile Lucas Cruikshank, creator of Fred Figglehorn, made videos of himself screeching at his webcam and gets the most popular channel on YouTube, and is now a world famous actor/director with credits on at least 10 movies and TV shows according to IMDb, and people like me continue to help advance his career just by the simple act of saying his name on our blogs and video shows.

Now that I'm depressed again, the point I'm making is that the world is awful, and if you need more proof you need look no further than Vectorman. Vectorman should be considered one of the classic game series of all time that everyone knows and loves, like Pokémon, Super Mario Bros, or Final Fantasy. The fact that it isn't even B-list is a travesty for the ages. The last anyone ever even heard of the series was a failed project from 2003 that hoped to revive it as a godawful third person shooter, with Vectorman played by a robotic Master Chief. Statistically speaking, you probably didn't even know this game existed before you read about it in this review.

Screw it, here's a picture of a cat eating a dalek to cheer us all up.

KR Rating: [5] GREAT


Vectorman 2
It's the second Vectorman! It was just as well rendered as the first and involved fighting giant bugs. Weirdest thing, as a kid I remembered not only liking this one way better but also finding it much easier. When I replayed it as an adult it was the opposite. Vectorman 1 just has more charm. Mostly, it's the minigame rounds between levels.

To be fair, I think the transformation system was much better in the second game. Vectorman's different forms last the entire level instead of just a few seconds, and each adds a whole new feel to Vectorman's play style. Still, I have to say the first was better.

KR Rating: [5] GREAT