Monday, January 21, 2008

Review Site Review: Gamespot

Gamespot are sellouts.

Sorry, but it's true.

How do I know this? Alien Syndrome. Alien Syndrome creators Sega sponsored Gamespot for a while. Ads for it were everywhere. The website even used an Alien Syndrome background theme for like a month. And then it came out and it was shitty. Even Gamespot admitted this by giving it a 5.0. But it's all for show.

Let's be real here. Most of their reviews are written like they intentionally found the one member of their staff least likely to enjoy the game and ordered him to review it. But not Alien Syndrome's.

There was another game that got a 5.0 called Warriors Orochi. Gamespot's reviewer spends the first few sentences of their WO review saying that anyone who likes the game's creators, Koei, is an apologist idiot who's deluding themselves and doesn't know what a good game is. They then spend the rest of the review trying to describe the game's good features in a patronizing way and harping on the few bad features over and over.

The Alien Syndrome reviewer spends most of his time dancing around the game's bad points and talking about how it could have been better. The worst thing he actually says is that some of the aliens look similar to other aliens.

You want a comparison? Warriors Orochi has 77 characters with distinct personalities and stories. Alien Syndrome has a chick who the developers desperately want you to think is like Samus Aran. Orochi Warriors has you fight hordes of enemies with admittedly poor AI using combo attacks that are unique for every character, despite there being SEVENTY SEVEN of them. Alien Syndrome has five or six of the exact same alien slowly slug towards you which you then shoot for over five minutes before they die and then they respawn about ten or twelve times. This happens in every one of the thousands of rooms in the game and you have to kill them all or you will be lacking experience for the boss fights.

Look. I know Warriors Orochi is a mediocre game at best. But Warriors Orochi has interesting characters and is easy to get into and can provide mindless fun. Alien Syndrome is so mind-numbingly tedious I took it back to the store and asked for my money back after the first level. That's how bad it was.

Look at Gamespot's Top 10 games on the front page. All of them are from within the last year. Really? You really think only recent games deserve to be in the top 10? Half of them AREN'T EVEN OUT YET. How is that possible, Gamespot? How can you say a game is one of the top 10 best ever when you haven't played it and moreover CAN'T play it because it ISN'T EVEN OUT?

Look, Gamespot reviewers. I know companies pay your company to give their games good reviews. I know you have to be nice to those companies' games or you'll lose you're job. But you know what? YOU'RE STILL SELLOUTS.

Annotation from The Future:

One of the things you might not know about me from reading this blog is that I'm actually not a bitter person. I don't hate the world and I don't think all people are stupid. Really, that's why places like Gamespot irritate me so much: because most people are not actually that stupid, but the media, the government, and the corporations all think we're as dumb as bricks.

That said, as I mentioned in the annotation of my review for Unlimited SaGa I love that I can totally rail on something in a blind fury, and then I almost always end up completely vindicated. In this case, it was when Gamespot fired one of their employees, ostensibly for giving Kane And Lynch a bad review. (Happy ending: that reviewer and some of his friends went on to found Giant Bomb.)

Or to put it another way: before I edited this review for content, pretty much every other word was an F-bomb. And you know what? Gamespot deserves every fucking one of them.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Top 5 List: The Top 5 Lamest Game Heroes

So we've taken our look at the top 5 most badass, but who's at the bottom of the barrel, you ask? Let's find out! Sedalb, if you're out there, I'm only dropping your name just because I so desperately want you to find this blog and read what I said about you so you'll give me more precious gems of your unmatchable inanity.

Here we go!

5. Boogerman, Boogerman
Earthworm Jim and Boogerman are pretty much equal as being heroes that are hilarious if you're a preteen boy who would like shit jokes if you weren't too young to know what shit is. So snot is inserted in the place of shit and you make an entire game based on bad puns and excessive amounts of slimy green stuff. In a way, he's the last generation's Conker. You know, back when you didn't need to secretly insert images of anal sex into your games to be edgy. (Boogerman gets the spot instead of EWJ, because Earthworm Jim was actually funny.)

4. Lloyd, Tales of Symphonia
In the words of agony booth forumgoer Campion, "whiny, abrasive, self-righteous, and stupid." Unlike the rest of the cast, all of whom gain likability when they get ported to the PSP's Tales of the World Radiant Mythologies, Lloyd is STILL FUCKING ANNOYING. But at least you don't have to talk to his stupid ass as much. And you get to beat the crap out of him. While we're here, though, I'd like to mention Genis Sage as a runner up, just because his name would seem to be a combination of "genius" and...well, I think you can see where I'm going with this. Namco, he'll get his share of yaoi appearances. You don't need to drop hints.

3. Geo Stelar, Mega Man Starforce
I can forgive that he's a third rate Lan Hikari (who, by the way, is awesome). Which is why the creators of the game had to go the extra mile. Geo Stelar's character seems to argue with itself over wether he's just annoying or cliche. He's an angst-filled totally-not-a-teen, lazy ass bastard who's home schooled in about the same way Eric Cartman was home schooled in the spelling bee episode, only with a much less cool phonics monkey. I want to punch his pre-teen face.

2. Nowe, Drakengard 2
He's a boy raised by a dragon who tries to evoke an X-Men hated by the people he helps vibe, but he's really just a whiny little bitch. The first time he rides the dragon he invokes the spirit of that other annoying bastard from the Never-Ending Story when he shouts "YEAAAH!" for no reason. I'm surprised the big lizard didn't do a barrel roll and dump him right there. Worth noting, for the second half of the game he wears a shield over his butt, presumably to protect himself from jumping humpers. In terms of sheer Mary Sue he manages to score 5 Outrageous Okonas out of 5.

1. Player Character Avatar, Monster Hunter Series
I DESPISE the player character in Monster Hunter, which is weird since it's one of those games where you make your own character. But really, Monster Hunter is one of the most ANNOYING games of all time, thanks in large part to the main character.

Most of the animations make me want to cringe. Whenever you select the character to continue the game he does a stupid little animation that's supposed to be badass but just comes off as stupid and corny. The "gangsta" animation where he takes a step back and assumes a "cool tough guy" pose is especially cringe-worthy. The "banging a fork and knife on the table like a 1960s cartoon character" animation when you order food in the Felyne Kitchen in the sequel is nearly as bad.

Most annoying though are the needless time-waster animations out in the field. Why does my guy need to flex his muscles for five seconds every time he drinks a potion? Why does he have to flash his sword around for three seconds after using a whetstone to sharpen it? All this does is waste valuable time in the missions, which are always timed, not to mention hold you up in a fight where mere seconds can and often do mean the difference between life and death.

Then there's...the run. Normally your run animation is a perfectly normal slightly faster walk that consumes stamina at a slow rate. However, for God knows what reason when there's a large enemy on the screen your run changes to...well, I'm afraid I can't come up with something to call it without swearing profusely so I'll just explain it. Basically, it's exactly the same as your normal run except it looks twenty times stupider, is actually SLOWER, and drains stamina at quadruple the normal rate.

Lord knows I wouldn't mock homosexuals, but when you take time out of fighting a giant monster to make stupid poses like this...well, I think that makes you kind of a faggot.