Tuesday, April 27, 2010

DEALBREAKER: You've Contributed to Dealbreaker

Hey, babe. Sit down, I think we should talk. What's that? Yes, actually, I did check out that website you e-mailed me a link to. Yeah, the one you said you totally loved and...well, that's kind of what I want to talk about.

I really tried to give it a chance, you know? I really thought some of them were damn funny too, like the one about the heterosexual lesbian or the tuxedo t-shirt. Oh, and the one about the 7-11 guy and at the end it switches and becomes a deal maker; that was really clever. Then I kept reading and I realized that about 90% of these things are written by picky assholes who think sex is the only aspect of a relationship and anyone they disagree with is the Anti-Christ.

I'm not sure where I realized it. Maybe it was the one about how the woman hates DJs and then proceeds to make it clear she doesn't actually know what a DJ does and thinks they just play records all day as opposed to mixing which is actually not that easy. I'm thinking, though, that it was the one where the woman says the deal is broken because her guy used to have dreadlocks and even though he now thinks it was stupid she can't see herself with anyone who ever made a decision she dislikes.

You say you loved those? Yeah, I thought so. See, that's what I wanted to talk about. Do you know why I've never introduced you to any of my friends? How about the reason I've never taken you to my house, or why I refuse to listen to my CDs when you're in the car? You're a diva. No one and no thing is ever good enough for you.

Everyone makes mistakes. Your mistake was thinking you're better than everyone else when you're really kind of an ignorant jackass. My mistake was thinking this could ever work out. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find someone who's slightly less of a cunt.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Word Verification For Commenting Now Active

Up until now I've tried to avoid using what I see as a very annoying part of the internet. Unfortunately, the blog has recently seen an infestation of spam bots including a whopping TWENTY SEVEN (!!) spam posts under the article about Video Game Murders. That's more than the comments on every other article combined.

(And oh, yeah, bots? Posting your spam in Japanese won't trick me. I have IM Translator bookmarked, ya bitches. Incidentally, I'm still unsure if the gibberish it spit back at me is the result of Translation Train Wreck, or because even in the magical future world of Japan bots still can't fucking talk right.)

I'm still in the process of deleting the spam, but to prevent future bot infestation I have turned on word image verification for all comment posting. I have also begun sending robot assassins in the guise of muscular Austrians back in time to kill Alan Ralsky, but until one of them succeeds the word verification will have to remain active.

I apologize for the inconvenience this will cause the two people who occasionally post comments on my blog.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Jack Chick Out Of Context

While those of you who have 90% of your brain intact doubtlessly know who Jack Chick is, for the rest he is a famous "evangelical" "Christian" "artist" who may or may not all be an elaborate joke. He's famous for hating everyone and everything and for taking Bible quotes ridiculously out of context to prove his point. Well, two can play at that game. If Jack can take lines from the Bible out of context to prove that God hates people who help their fellow man then I can take his work out of context to prove...not much of anything really. But it might be funny.

Let's go!

"Hey, Alice, do you hear something behind us?"

"No, Bob. Why?"

"No reason. Just feel like there's something behind us."

Throwing Lucifer out and insulting him on his birthday? That's just mean. What did he ever do to you? I mean, aside from birthing all the evil in the world.

"Grandma! But...but you're dead!"

"No, child. That's just what I wanted you to think, and now that you've fallen for my ploy it is you who shall die!"

"It is with great pleasure I introduce a famous new age healer: Smugs McConehead!"

"Thank you, ma'am, but I prefer to be called The Healer Formerly Known As No-Necked Hideous Facial Scar. Now, which of you kids wants to get molested?"

*every hand goes up*

It doesn't matter how much you like to watch them, Tommy. Let little Susie and Buffy out of the basement before I tell your parents!