Monday, May 23, 2011

Not a Video Game Review: I Review a Review of Terraria

For those of you who don't know yet, a 2D Minecraft-style game called Terraria was released last Wednesday. If you're into that go get it, it's only 10 bucks. If you're not into that then go play Brink or something. Oh wait, that doesn't exist. Sorry.

Anyway, shortly after the game's release a group called The Best Gamers posted a video review of the first five minutes of the game. The makers of Terraria saw it and had Youtube take it down under the pretense of "copyright infringement." (Reviewing a video game is not copyright infringement, Youtube are just pussies.)

Before you ask, yes, the review is bullshit. There are more enemies in the game then slimes, the worlds are randomly generated so level design is not even a thing, and shut the Hell up already. But it doesn't even matter. All of that is something ten seconds of light googling would disprove. Don't try it, though. I'm pretty sure if you type "is there more than one enemy in Terraria?" into Google it calls you a dumbass and formats your hard drive. Google's a dick.

The question that crossed my mind is, are these people stupid and missing the point of the game, or are they trying to be ironic?

One of the things they bring up a lot in the review is level design. for those who haven't played Terraria, the second thing the game asks you to do after making your character is to make a world to explore. It then randomly generates a world, while telling you that it's randomly generating a world. There are no levels in Terraria. Honestly, the reviewer has to know this. Hell, he reviewed Minecraft and started out this review by saying Terraria is basically the same as Minecraft. He must be aware that sandbox games exist, yet he keeps bringing up level design, apparently under the pretense that Terraria is a 2D platformer and all 2D platformers have levels just like Mario.

He then forgets what NPCs are and rants about how an "enemy" (pretty clearly an NPC) is bugged and can't be hurt by his weapon. ...how many video games have these people reviewed again?

So yeah, no one can be that stupid.

But there's more to it than that. The fact that they used editing software to dub in retarded sound effects purely to make the game look bad (Including the screamer moment at 5:20 in that video, which is not even remotely in the game. Probably should've warned you about that screamer earlier, by the way, but I'm an asshole.) tells me they knew exactly what they were doing. The constant, douchechill-inspiring repetition of "scrub" and "nerd," the fact that one of their biggest issues with the game is that it's in 2D, and the fact that they seem to review mostly indie games for the sole purpose of talking about how much they hate indie games, all tells me that they probably don't know what irony is and would call you a fag for thinking they did.

Surprisingly, the verdict isn't that they're just douchebags. The verdict is I don't care. A closer look at their site, including their forums and the people there, implies that they might be joking, but if they are then holy crap they suck at joking. On the other hand if they're trying to be serious then they suck at that too.

I love Stephen Colbert and his work, but god damn it all if he didn't open the floodgates for every moron who thinks he's funnier than he is to try and be an ironic character just like him. At least Colbert had the sense to parody a group that actually exists. Who are The Best Gamers parodying, if they are a parody? No one. The only people who act like that are fat slobs mic-spamming on XBox Live. They don't do anything, they don't matter, and spending time and money on making parodies of them has about as much point as spending money to produce parodies of your alcoholic neighbor Bob.

I think the worst thing about this review though isn't even the review itself, it's the response it got when it was taken off Youtube. Immediately legions of retards who'd never even heard of Terraria or The Best Gamers before flocked to the cause, posting 1-star reviews of Terraria all over the internet that just repeat the same points made in the video, thinking they were fighting for free speech.

Listen, guys. You're not championing the cause of a brave gamer who dared to call a shitty game shitty and was punished for it. You're championing the cause of a malicious douchebag who tried and failed to be ironic and got his review taken down because it was slander. So yeah, congrats on that. How does it feel to be a drain on society?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Video Game Review: Brink Doesn't Suck, There Is No Brink

As of right now Brink has a 6.0 on Gamespot, a 6 on IGN, and 2 out of 5 stars on GiantBomb. Personally, I think even that is too much. Not because I think it deserves a lower score, no. See, I don't believe it exists. I'm aware there is something out there that people are calling Brink, but as near as I can tell there isn't a single original concept in the damn thing. Here, let me show you.

Presentation: A Less Stylized Borderlands
Be honest. Raise your hands if, upon seeing the box art for Brink you didn't immediately think of Borderlands? Raise your other hand if you looked at the little icon they made for it and didn't think of this.

Now slap yourself in the face with any hands you may have up.

Just...look at a screenshot.

Gameplay: Team Fortress 2, Mostly
Oh hey, look! Brink has multiple classes each with their own unique abilities. Classes have actually been in quite a few first person shooters, but it's not entirely played out. There's plenty of room to get creative. Let's see what they have here. There's the Medic, who revives fallen comrades. There's the Operative who disguises himself as enemies and hacks computers. There's the Engineer who fixes stuff and places sentry turrets. Lastly, there's the Soldier who wears body armor and specializes in heavy weapons.

So yeah. To be fair, they don't steal everything from Team Fortress 2. They also seem to have taken their AI from Daikatana.

Story: Every Dystopian Future Story Ever
So there was a bad thing that happened and all the people moved to a self-sustaining "safe" city to survive. Said city quickly became an overpopulated, fascist nightmare. There is now a rebel movement that wants to overthrow the city's leaders or at the very least find somewhere else to live.

No, no, I'm not talking about Aeon Flux. Nor am I talking about Praetoria City from the new City of Heroes expansion. I mean, at least those two added awesomely implausible technology and superheroes, respectively.

Honestly, I can't even complain. I mean, if they stole everything else about their game, why would the story be even remotely original?

KR Rating: NON-EXISTANT
Screw the people who made this. It's official. There is no such game as Brink. Sure there's a box with a disc in it with a game on it, but said "game" doesn't have a single original concept anywhere in it, and honestly it's not even like they were trying. Therefore, I'm officially saying there is no game called Brink, only a poorly half-assed mashing together of other peoples' ideas.

You know, critics have sort of a code that they're supposed to follow, where no matter what you say about the product you have to be nice to the people who made it, but in this case I'm saying fuck that. I want the world to know that these assholes are completely creatively bankrupt. I want the entire world to stay away from...wait. Bethesda? And also Splash Damage? What the Hell happened, you guys?!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Banner Ad Review: This is Where Chris Hansen Starts Watching my Blog



Are you a raging pedophile, and also you want to be able to draw in a way that looks suspiciously like a photo run through Photoshop's greyscale filter? Now you can!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Banner Ad Review: Shmuck Bait

You know, banner ads are the kind of thing that -in theory- wouldn't be so bad if done properly. After all, ads are a major source of revenue for TV shows and websites, so maybe putting up with a little irritation in the name of supporting your favorite site wouldn't be so bad.

That's probably what the makers of this ad had in mind.



So yeah, it's pretty obvious, but just how bad is it? Let's look at just how much is stupid about this.

1. The amazingly subtle and understated use of an ass to represent absolutely everyone who uses AdBlock. As any political cartoonist will tell you, nothing converts people to your way of thinking quite like openly insulting them.

2. But wait, blocking ads is an inherently evil act that makes you a jackass and will provoke small animals into attacking you...and yet they only want you to disable your adblocker for specific websites? That's like saying "Murdering Jews makes Santa cry...unless you're Japanese. Click here to find out how you can become Japanese."

3. The cats. Of COURSE there are cats. "Cats are one of those 'mee-mee' things internet types are all into, right? Yeah, let's throw some of those in there. That's sure to get the little buttsuckers' attention."

4. Supporting a website I enjoy by putting up with ads WOULD be worthwhile if it weren't for the fact that roughly 100% of all banner ads are either trojan horse viruses, attempts at phishing credit card information, or useless knockoff bullshit that looks like someone spent more time on the ads than they did on the product.

5. This isn't even really a product. Everyone already knows how to disable AdBlock for certain websites. If they don't, well then they can find out in five seconds.