Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Non-Review: Top 5 Foods You've Been Eating RIGHT All Along

It all started with the bananas.

That's not a sentence I ever particularly wanted to say before, but now that I have I'm wondering how I went so long having not.

For those not in the know, a video came out a while ago describing the way monkeys peel bananas, which starts at the bottom instead of at the top. While the video was new the method was not, it's been passed around on the internet for decades and no one ever cared because, truth be told, neither method is really any better or easier than the other.

But the internet doesn't care about sense, and as a result the video went viral. Stupid people all over the world watched and honestly believed they'd been peeling bananas wrong their whole lives. More importantly, semi-stupid people all over the world suddenly realized all at once that, holy shit, all you need to do to be hailed as a genius in this world is post a video of yourself opening fruit in a weird way!

Suddenly the internet exploded with terrible food advice videos, much like the explosion you would use to peel a banana in a Michael Bay movie. Also like a Michael Bay movie, all of these tips are stupid. I've looked at lots of them both new and old and come up with five of my favorites, as well as why they're wrong.

5. Cake
You know what's worse than stale, dried out cake? Nothing, which is why I don't feel bad about making human sacrifices to the gods of darkness in exchange for my cakes always remaining moist. But for those of you who aren't on speaking terms with the denizens of Hell, there's still hope! Enter Numberphile with his video The Scientific Way to Cut a Cake.

In case you're too lazy to watch the video, I'll sum it up like this: rather than cutting out wedges, which leaves the sides exposed to dry out in the fridge, you take a thin slice straight out of the middle, cut it in two, and then push the two halves together. It's so simple!

Of course, it does remove all ability to control the size of your slices for those party guests who may want more or less cake, forces you to mush your filthy hands all over the cake, and will utterly ruin any cake not iced with fondant. But that's a small price to pay for moist cake, right?

You know what else is a small price to pay? $1.72, which is the price of 200 square feet of saran wrap at Target.

...huh. Now I kind of feel like a dick for all those human sacrifices.

4. Peelable Fruits
If there's one thing I've learned from watching television commercials it's that most new inventions are useless, and that includes new methods for eating food. The second thing I've learned from watching television commercials, is that the only way to make these useless inventions look useful is to lie your ass off about the older, better products that everyone is already using. This video by Buzzfeed handily demonstrates this technique by decrying the old, outdated method of peeling fruit by lopping off enormous hunks of it with a knife, which is a technique I'm pretty sure has never been used outside of the fantasy land of TV commercials and internet videos.

Seriously, it's called a peeler. It's been around for almost 100 years now, and it's really cheap. There is no excuse for you not having one.

But the why isn't what's important here. If it was then I'd also question what sort of person peels a kiwi in the first place. What's important here is the method. Fortunately for us, the video also handily demonstrates its own worthlessness by showing us the leftover skin of their spoon-gutted kiwi, which just happens to still hold most of their kiwi on it. When your new method for peeling a fruit not only wastes more fruit than a peeler would, but it even wastes more than the exaggerated, idiot method that you're complaining about... you know you've done something wrong.

Speaking of wasting fruit...

3. Strawberries
Coming from fifty seconds into the same video, we get this brilliant advice for looking stupid while removing the stem from a strawberry. Just push a straw through the strawberry and the stem will pop right off, without the waste of cutting it off with a knife!

Except, wait, you're still wasting a significant portion of your strawberry, aren't you? I mean, just because the wasted portion is in the form a cylindrical core instead of a thin knife slice doesn't mean you're not still wasting it. I kind of feel like whoever came up with this just thought "strawberry has the word straw in it, and now I'm pushing a straw into a strawberry! Ha!" and then their brain died before it could figure out how stupid that was.

Also, speaking as a person who likes strawberries and also likes baking food items using strawberries I have to say, picking the stems off by hand is not only easier, it also doesn't waste any of the strawberry at all.

2. Tic-Tacs
In case you haven't noticed by now, one of the best parts about these videos is how they usually show, within the video itself, how terrible they are. This video by CrazyRussianHacker is no different.

According to this video and others, opening the Tic-Tac container and shaking one out is wrong. Instead, you hold it upside down, tap it once, and a single Tic-Tac will drop into the cap and then be "dispensed" when you open it. The reason I picked this video over the others is because of how beautifully it reveals the truth. As you see, the guy has to open the cap veeeery slooowly to avoid spilling, and he still screws it up most of the time anyway.

1. Apples
Everyone knows apples. They're tasty, they're usually red but sometimes green, and they have that inedible tough core, right? Not so, according to this video. It turns out that if you eat an apple from the top down or from the bottom up you get enough of the good part with each bite that you don't even notice the tough, awful core.

Also, you will apparently be a boss.

I almost feel bad about debunking this one, because chances are doing so will actually save a few stupid peoples' lives. See, apple seeds or "pips" actually contain cyanide, which you might recognize as that thing that the bad guys take in movies to keep James Bond from interrogating them.

Ordinarily, the amount of cyanide in an apple seed isn't enough to bother you. The seed's outer shell keeps most of the cyanide inside, and even if you chew on one your body can break down and detoxify the cyanide without too much trouble. Problem is, you're no longer swallowing a seed or two by accident, you're now eating the entire supply of them with every apple and you know you'll accidentally bite down on more than one of them. Eat a few apples worth of seeds a day and you can expect headaches and nausea at the very least, or coma and death at the most.

What's more, detoxifying poisonous compounds puts a strain on your body's organs, which will add up if you're a big fan of apples. It turns out if you eat them like the video suggests an apple a day will make sure your doctor remains very close to you... because your kidneys are going to shut down.

Also, most real people who have actually tried this report that the core is still totally awful even if you eat the apple from the top down, so there's that too.