Friday, April 26, 2019

Better Than Bear! (Survivorman, Alone, Dual Survival)

I talked last time on the blog about Bear Grylls and why he sucks. I've known that he sucks for years now, ever since I watched Man vs. Wild and heard his brilliant survival advice about how wonderful finding a farm was because you could kill and eat all the animals. No, Bear, finding a farm is great because they have a telephone there. If you've found a farm, you're done. You're home, you're saved, survival situation over.

But it's not surprising. Bear Grylls is a spoiled rich boy whose entire existence is a lie. He camps out next to five-star hotels, is "surviving" alongside a full team of camera crew and paramedics, his advice is more likely to get you killed than help you survive, and as I also mentioned he's the type of guy who readily self-identifies as a "philanthropist" which I've found is almost always a sign of an awful person. (What kind of person feels the need to make such a show out of all the good deeds they do? It's basically the same question as "do you tell jokes to see people laugh, or so that people will think you're funny?")

Just to drive the point even further home, below are three other survival TV shows that are much, much, MUCH better than absolutely anything Bear Grylls has ever done, listed here in no particular order.




Not to be confused with Duel Survival, which involves pistols at high noon.

Dual Survival follows a similar premise of the old Man vs. Wild; each episode presents a different survival scenario and tasks the survivalist (or survivalists in this case) with making it out. Where it differs is that every one of the ten guys who has appeared in Dual Survival over the years is, on their own, ten times the survivalist that Bear Grylls is.

The other major difference is that, while the show has had ten separate survivalists over the years, it always has two at a time, hence the name Dual Survival.

First, you have the naturalist. (Originally Cody Lundin, later Matt Graham, and then a bunch of other guys over the last three seasons.) His philosophy is to play it safe. He already knows he can survive for the long haul, so taking risks and burning resources to gain a momentary edge is unnecessary to him; he'll get out when he gets out, and he know how to make it until then.

Second, you have the military survivalist. (Originally Dave Canterbury, then Joseph Teti, and then another bunch of dudes over the last three seasons.) This guy is who Bear Grylls wishes he was - a real military hardass with combat experience. His philosophy is to use whatever tactics you need to, spend your resources, take the risks, get any advantage you can no matter how small, and get out as soon as you can.

Showcasing these two conflicting survival strategies, and forcing them to work together to survive, is the major dynamic of the show, and does make for an interesting experience. There is still a film crew on hand, though, so it's not a real true survival experience. There's also a host of other scandals, including editing to make things look harsher than they are. Even so, at least their advice is generally good and not dumbass crap that will actually get you killed, like Bear's advice.


MEDIOCRE




Nothing says "survival" like Blair Witch stick figures.

The creation of musician and badass survival dude Les Stroud, Survivorman was originally pitched to the networks as Survivor, if Survivor was for real. There's no tribes, no immunity challenges, and no getting voted off. It's just one man all alone in the wilderness. And yes, he is all alone, as it's shown repeatedly that he packs and sets up all of his film equipment himself. There are emergency crews on call, but they're all miles away from him at all times.

Each episode puts Les into a different remote wilderness location, ranging from the dense jungles of Grenada, all the way to the heat of the Kalahari Desert and the frigid forests of northern Ontario, and asks him to make it for one week on his own. He meets with survival experts before each excursion to learn about the terrain, but once he's in country he survives entirely on his own experience and the tools at hand, and absolutely no blueberry pancakes.


GREAT




Nothing says "alone" like two people within shouting distance of each other.

Now take Survivorman, put it one step back towards Survivor by adding in an actual competition element, and you've got Alone. Ten survivalists are each sent out to the wilderness, with several miles of water or mountains separating them. They each have a camera, ten items they've selected for their survival kit, and a satellite phone which they can use to "tap out" by calling for an immediate evac. The last man still in the wild after all others have tapped out (or been forced out due to medical emergency) takes home $500,000.

While there are always a few who fail right away (half of the first season's contestants tap out within the first week) most of them make it for the long haul, easily lasting for months. The point is, they do know what they're doing, and they're not even professional adventurers who spent three years training with the SAS Reserves like Bear is!

All kidding aside, the show is pretty engaging. Of the five seasons produced so far, three of them take place in the beautiful North American rainforest of Vancouver Island, specifically around Quatsino Sound. Seasons three and five switch it up, sending contestants to Patagonia, Argentina, and to Khonin Nuga, Mongolia, respectively. The sixth season is set to premier in June of this year, and will task competitors with surviving in the Arctic.


GREAT

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