Sunday, January 20, 2008

Top 5 List: The Top 5 Lamest Game Heroes

So we've taken our look at the top 5 most badass, but who's at the bottom of the barrel, you ask? Let's find out! Sedalb, if you're out there, I'm only dropping your name just because I so desperately want you to find this blog and read what I said about you so you'll give me more precious gems of your unmatchable inanity.

Here we go!

5. Boogerman, Boogerman
Earthworm Jim and Boogerman are pretty much equal as being heroes that are hilarious if you're a preteen boy who would like shit jokes if you weren't too young to know what shit is. So snot is inserted in the place of shit and you make an entire game based on bad puns and excessive amounts of slimy green stuff. In a way, he's the last generation's Conker. You know, back when you didn't need to secretly insert images of anal sex into your games to be edgy. (Boogerman gets the spot instead of EWJ, because Earthworm Jim was actually funny.)

4. Lloyd, Tales of Symphonia
In the words of agony booth forumgoer Campion, "whiny, abrasive, self-righteous, and stupid." Unlike the rest of the cast, all of whom gain likability when they get ported to the PSP's Tales of the World Radiant Mythologies, Lloyd is STILL FUCKING ANNOYING. But at least you don't have to talk to his stupid ass as much. And you get to beat the crap out of him. While we're here, though, I'd like to mention Genis Sage as a runner up, just because his name would seem to be a combination of "genius" and...well, I think you can see where I'm going with this. Namco, he'll get his share of yaoi appearances. You don't need to drop hints.

3. Geo Stelar, Mega Man Starforce
I can forgive that he's a third rate Lan Hikari (who, by the way, is awesome). Which is why the creators of the game had to go the extra mile. Geo Stelar's character seems to argue with itself over wether he's just annoying or cliche. He's an angst-filled totally-not-a-teen, lazy ass bastard who's home schooled in about the same way Eric Cartman was home schooled in the spelling bee episode, only with a much less cool phonics monkey. I want to punch his pre-teen face.

2. Nowe, Drakengard 2
He's a boy raised by a dragon who tries to evoke an X-Men hated by the people he helps vibe, but he's really just a whiny little bitch. The first time he rides the dragon he invokes the spirit of that other annoying bastard from the Never-Ending Story when he shouts "YEAAAH!" for no reason. I'm surprised the big lizard didn't do a barrel roll and dump him right there. Worth noting, for the second half of the game he wears a shield over his butt, presumably to protect himself from jumping humpers. In terms of sheer Mary Sue he manages to score 5 Outrageous Okonas out of 5.

1. Player Character Avatar, Monster Hunter Series
I DESPISE the player character in Monster Hunter, which is weird since it's one of those games where you make your own character. But really, Monster Hunter is one of the most ANNOYING games of all time, thanks in large part to the main character.

Most of the animations make me want to cringe. Whenever you select the character to continue the game he does a stupid little animation that's supposed to be badass but just comes off as stupid and corny. The "gangsta" animation where he takes a step back and assumes a "cool tough guy" pose is especially cringe-worthy. The "banging a fork and knife on the table like a 1960s cartoon character" animation when you order food in the Felyne Kitchen in the sequel is nearly as bad.

Most annoying though are the needless time-waster animations out in the field. Why does my guy need to flex his muscles for five seconds every time he drinks a potion? Why does he have to flash his sword around for three seconds after using a whetstone to sharpen it? All this does is waste valuable time in the missions, which are always timed, not to mention hold you up in a fight where mere seconds can and often do mean the difference between life and death.

Then there's...the run. Normally your run animation is a perfectly normal slightly faster walk that consumes stamina at a slow rate. However, for God knows what reason when there's a large enemy on the screen your run changes to...well, I'm afraid I can't come up with something to call it without swearing profusely so I'll just explain it. Basically, it's exactly the same as your normal run except it looks twenty times stupider, is actually SLOWER, and drains stamina at quadruple the normal rate.

Lord knows I wouldn't mock homosexuals, but when you take time out of fighting a giant monster to make stupid poses like this...well, I think that makes you kind of a faggot.

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